Just because you might've thought we were done.
SPINOFF: JOEY JOJO GOES TO SCHOOL
Roach City Motel
Oho, Murca
It was a good day for Joey Jojo the Plumber. A very good day indeed.
He had just signed the papers selling his brand new house acquired due to self defence against a closet homobortionist sex offender. People in the neighborhood were already talking, and Joey’s motel room was full of flowers with nice little letters of appreciation. Mothers held him up as a hero, as their children would not be endangered by a filthy pervert living right next door. Fathers congratulated him on standing up for himself against a librul homo and preserving the fabric of society. The dead body was strung up in the middle of the neighborhood as a warning to all passersby - the suburbs of Oho were a proper place! A clean place, free of sex offenders!
Even Mary Jane, despite her earlier confusion, had to admit Joey had done well. Her voice was a little shakey while she did so, but that was obviously overwhelming female hysteria at the thought that a homobortionist lived so close to their precious children. She cried the whole night after washing Joey’s bloodstained shirts, but she’d get over it, maybe helped by a little smack or two. Couldn’t have an undisciplined house, after all.
The sale of his new house got him almost where he wanted to be - he only lacked a thousand marks or so before he could open his fertilizer business and rake in the big bucks, like a true blue Murcan self-made man! He’d show all those people who didn’t believe in him, those socialists craving his money to fund their filthy homosexual orgies. Jeebus, he hated those homobortionists, like those nerds who didn’t shower with the rest of the team or join in the locker room butt-slapping. He used to beat up those kids in high school, drag them by their long pretty hair and smack their made up faces. Oh wait, those were the girls who turned him down.Yep, those were the days.
Ah, what he would give to relive those grand times, those glory days spent fooling around with the guys! Yes, high school was a time of joy and carelesness and binge drinking and beating up weaker kids to the brink of death for some affront or another.
Joey sighed heavily, thinking how much high school gave him, how it made him the man he was today. Unlike college, which was full of lieberals being fed lies by stupid lieberal professors (who didn’t know how real life was, anyway, with their book knowledge), high school created the Murcan ideal - loud, proud, with a low-paying menial job and angry about it!
And now the schools were all privatized, so they’d be even better! As private enterprise was more efficient in all aspects, surely the education system would thrive and prosper now. Billy Lee sure made good progress since Joey and Mary Jane decided to enroll the lil’ fella at the Oho Home School Away From Home Bibel School, an excellent establishment set up by Jimmy Bob Anderson, a local butcher, homeopathic professor, anti-vaccine activist, self-declared preacher, off-shore snake oil driller and respected entrepreneur, after the socialist gubmint-run school was burned down by the Sovereign Citizens’ Pagan Youth wing, which was originally founded by the greatest President of Algeira, Poland Pagan. It was morning again in Murca.
Yes, Billy Lee would certainly grow up to be a fine citizen, Sovereign and free. Already Joey’s workload lessened, which was surely a good sign - Billy would hardly ever bring homework back! Joey could use that time to think about his fertilizer business and watch SPORTS!, which he was doing now, his brain free of harrowing maths problems like fractions.
Fucking fractions. Who the fuck needed to know
fractions in real life, anyway? Real life was no ivory tower! Teaching children fractions only led them astray from the real down-to-earth skills they needed to survive!
He remembered how the Sovereign Citizens tied a luberal maths professor to a monster truck tractor pull that totally quartered him.
Fraction that, asshole... Joey Jojo laughed at himself.
Suddenly, the football game - Murcan football, of course, not that sissy Thanasian crap where men didn’t even bodyslam each other to fight over their balls - switched itself off. Joey screamed with terror and anguish, lurching at the TV in anger. No! Not right before touchdown!
A reporter’s talking head appeared on screen. The journo began talking,
We interrupt this programming to bring you urgent news from the Oho Home School Away From Home. We have just received reports of a lone gunman on a rampage on school grounds...
Joey screamed and started flipping channels, but it was the same everywhere. He knew he should’ve paid for better cable service! The Premium Package included an optional “no important news whatsoever” plan, but Joey wanted to save money and didn’t buy it and so was being regularly harrassed by crap about the environment and violence and elections that he didn’t care about.
The TV droned on. It showed the school building, a brand new structure paid for entirely by Jimmy Bob who spared no expense. There was shooting and screams from school grounds and the reporters were saying how they were afraid to come closer out of fear of being shot.
Pussies, Joey thought. He always knew journos were good for nothing useful, except maybe Blenn Geck. It would’ve been better with Blenn Geck, at least he would’ve
shot back. These blubbering vaginas wouldn’t even get into the line of fire! Hell, if that was Billy Lee’s school, Joey was sure his son could do better than those girlie men.
“Ladies and gentlemen”, the stupid journo droned on, “There are people running out, yes, running out of the building... there are... there are wounded amongst them, I will try to get a better view... yes... wait, no! STOP!”
The journo screamed in horror and suddenly the camera went flying. It crashed into the pavement, revealing a Faux Noose van. And the journo crushed under its wheels.
Faux now added the Noose to its name after its Putzlitzer Prize-winning coverage of the hangings and lynchings of luberals in Murca. The van opened and stepping from its interior was none other than...
...Blenn Geck!
“It is time to handle the topic of violence in schools!” Geck said, and his dashing macho voice thrilled Joey to the bone. Previously angry with the coverage interrupting his favorite sports program, Joey was now electrified and excited and aroused to the point of his toes curling.
The camera now showed the fleeing mob of terrified students again. Geck waved the gun around, screaming about the proper response to school violence being more violence. Joey lapped it up, his bosom rising and falling with every holy word from his hero.
“There!” Geck screamed, pointing at a student running at the end of the mob. The guy was breathing heavily and slowly trodding forward instead of running. He reached for something he had in his pocket “He’s not running! That’s obviously the shooter!”
Geck took the initiative in a properly Murcan way, unloading his gun’s magazine into the boy’s face. He was shooting from long range, and thus hit several other students in the process, but the evil psycho dropped dead on the spot. The asthma inhaler fell out of his cold dead hands and rolled across the pavement.
“Got him! Hahahah... did you see that shot? Right into his fatty man-titties!” Geck shouted with glee. He was still waving both his guns around when FriendlyPol SUVs roared onto the scene, plowing straight through running civilians. Heavily armed officers leapt out of the cars and began screaming and shouting at the fleeing students to get out of the way. Some officers pointed their guns at Geck, but quickly recognized the TV show host as their paying customer and huge shareholder. Geck smiled and waved to them.
Other private police agencies also arrived soon, called by their own clients. But FriendlyPol officers didn’t have time for bullshit, they had a situation to control, so they just hosed down the arriving vehicles with their vehicle mounted Mama Gooses and grenade launchers, injuring dozens of civilians in the process, but also ensuring their market share was protected, which was their moral duty to their the shareholders.
“Get these civilians out of the way!” screamed the FriendlyPol commander on the scene, lieutenant Seven Lawman Stoogal. He was annoyed: his men would have trouble telling paying customers from idiots with no police insurance in that huge mob. Then, suddenly, he had an idea.
“Just cuff everyone and let Jeebus sort them out later!”, he screamed into his radio, not giving two shits about the rolling camera observing everything.
The officers, many of whom were former soldiers discharged for the dishonorable conduct of being paid for by stolen taxpayer money and now making amends by working for privatized paramilitaries, shouted back a customary OOORAHOOOAH and began arresting everyone they saw.
Joey, safely in front of his TV, cheered upon the boys in blue as they began to impose order on the disorganized mob of stupid students, most of whom were probably lieberals anyway. He hollered in joy when officers beat down a mother, cuffed her and confiscated the baby as evidence, putting it into a ziplock bag. Two officers confronted a wounded student laying on the sidewalk, demanding he get to his knees. When he said he could not due to his wounds, they tasered him twenty times before cuffing him to a squad car and dragging him away. As pets got lose from their leashes (for it was a Bring Your Pet To School day at the OHSAFHBS, a cherished tradition where children learned how house animals are used in food and industry), they created a danger to officers, who shot every single dog they saw while grabbing venomous snakes and lizards and throwing them into the faces of students. A special team videotaped the entire operation, making sure to mark down the score of individual responders on special forms they had with them - FriendlyPol employees were paid by the quota of suspects hauled in and it was important to make sure their reports were faithful.
Officers quickly got the mob under control with extreme violence, which was the best kind of violence, preventing destruction of evidence and seizing many suspects guilty of not paying FriendlyPol for protection. Shouts of “We serve and protect with a smile!” began to die down soon, replaced by gunfire still coming from the school.
“This is incredible! Dear viewers, here you see the finest police agency in Murca doing an excellent job of controlling an unruly and dangerous criminal mob! Remember, FriendlyPol is the best there is, they serve and protect with a smile, call them now and prevent grievous bodily harm to yourself or your loved ones, or mysterious yet extremely dangerous fire to your dwelling!”
“Sir! Suspects are under control, sir!” An officer reported to lieutenant Lawman Stoogal on camera, saluting in a military fashion
“Excellent job! Make sure they’re as uncomfortable as possible, while I personally handle the shooter!”
“OOORAHOOAH!” The officer yelled and ran back to the sidewalk to administer a few kicks and beatings to the people lined up face-down on the asphalt. Some of them were probably guilty of something, anyway. When another young mother protested and threatened to sue, the officer tasered her. Her child started to cry, so he tasered it, too, for creating a public disturbance.
“Hey Gorge, take over”, Geck said to his cameraman “I’m gonna help our boys in blue.”
“Will do, boss!”
The camera followed Geck as he ran over to the school’s gate and high-fived Lieutenant Stoogal. The duo drawed their weapons and charged screaming into the building.
Mary Jane came into the room just then. She gently touched Jojo on the arm, making him jump up and spill his beer.
“What the hell, woman? Can’t you see I’m supporting the troops here? Damn! My shirt!”
Mary Jane shuddered, the memories of her last beating still fresh. Joey approved of that - womenfolk had to know their place. It was for the best, as they had trouble not panicking in hysterics at the slightest provocation. Men should always do the thinking at home, that’s what Blenn Geck said on TV. God he loved Blenn Geck.
“Joey, what’s going on? Where’s Billy Lee?”
“What do you mean where’s Billy Lee?” Joey spat in anger while still staring at the TV “You’re the woman of the house, you should keep track of the kids! And the cooking! And the laundry! And all the other things you’re not doing while standing here talking! Go away!”
“Joey, you were supposed to pick him up...” Mary Jane whispered and winced, ready for the next strike.
“I was?” A memory surfaced in Joey’s beer-addled and cholesterol-clogged mind. Yes he was! Mary Jane offered to go so that he could finish watching the game, but she was a woman and thus not allowed to drive or leave the house. Joey remembered now.
“Ah, he’s a big boy now, he’ll manage. I’ll go after I see what happens next, this is a great show.”
Mary Jane looked at the TV herself and gasped. “Joey! That’s Billy Lee’s school!”
“What? Oh, bullshit, no psycho could ever go on a rampage there! Not with what we’re payin’ them!”
“But it is! Oh my God, Joey! Our son is in there! You must go get him!” Gone was Mary Jane’s meek submission, replaced by fear of her child’s safety.
Typical woman, Joey thought to himself,
Always hysterical over minor things...
“Shut up, Billy Lee has to learn life the hard way one day. I’ll let him handle it.”
“A PSYCHO IS MURDERING HIS WAY THROUGH THE SCHOOL!”, Mary Jane screamed. Joey rolled his eyes and sighed, getting up from his comfy chair.
“Don’t you yell at me! Don’t you fuckin’ yell at me, ya hear?!”, he screamed at his wife. Damn that undisciplined, fickle woman!
“Billy’s gonna die, Joey! Do something! He’s just a child!”, Mary Jane seemed desperate, “If you won’t go, then I’ll go get him myself!”
Joey went purple, “Shut the fuck up! And you, back to your room!”, he added for the benefit of the remaining children, who didn’t go to school because the family couldn’t afford it. They should sleep, they had to work eighteen hours at the slaughterhouse tomorrow. Jeebus, it was a good thing that they deregulated those pussy luberal child labor laws. Couldn’t have the kids become no welfare queens, no siree.
The children meekly retreated, and Joey continud yelling at his wife for some time. As a result, he missed the entire glorious joint police-journalist action, and didn’t catch Blenn Geck proudly displaying the shooter’s severed head on a pike. When he was done yelling, all he could see were ads for FriendlyPol.
That made Joey even more enraged, and he disciplined Mary Jane thoroughly, before angrily storming out to get his son. At least Billy Lee wasn’t a fucking hysterical pussy, though Joey would have to watch him, watch him like a hawk to make sure he wasn’t womanized by his sisters or his mother.
If only he could watch him at school, too. Then he’d be sure the kid would not slip up! For sure!
Oho Home School Away From Home Bibel School
Oho, Murca
Joey couldn’t believe what he just heard.
“What the fuck, Billy? What the fuck was that?! Hiding under a desk? That’s not how I raised you! Not at all! Why, just you wait until we get home! Grandpa Jojo is rolling in his grave!”
“Mr. Jojo, please...” the school’s principal was trying to calm down the enraged parent. “Your son is alive, so why does it matter?”
“Why? WHY?! My son acted like a goshdarned coward! A lieberal sissy! A real man would’ve charged at the shooter and wrestled his gun away! Or just shot him! Like a man! A manly man!”
“But Billy had no gun, we do not allow guns on campus. He couldn’t have done anything. Please, there’s no need to...”
Joey blew his top. What the fuck? The school stripped its students of their constipitutional rights by taking their guns away? Oh no way. This wasn’t a place of true Murcan values, this was getting dangerously lieberal! His son almost died because he had no means to shoot people!
“It’s all your fault!” Joey pointed an accusatory finger at the principal. “I am taking my son out of this school!”
“But dad...” Billy tried to protest, remembering his brothers and sisters working most of the day, slaughtering animals for pennies. School beat that any day.
“Shut up, son! If this place won’t let you have guns to shoot people with, there is nothing good you will learn here!”
The principal was sweating now, and quite profusely. Joey was a local hero, after all. If he took his son to another establishment, angry parents would take their kids away, too! The school was already in trouble due to the shooting, parents were suing, and now this... he had to convince Joey to stay! He had to, otherwise the school would fail and its owner would grind the principal up and sell him as Freedom Beef in his butcher shop.
“Sir! Please, wait a minute. You are obviously a man of fine standing in the community, true to your word, honorable and prideful. Please help us! We have strayed from the one true path, but you can help us get back on it!”
“Yer usin’ a whole lot of big words here, fella. What do ya’all want?”
“Our History teacher, Mr Cuddlington, was shot by the police. You could take his place.”
Joey began to strain his mental faculties migtily in order to consider the offer. It was a great opportunity, a chance to shape the youth of a nation, to influence their opinions and attitudes and prepare them for life.
Joey didn’t care about that lieberal crap, though. He was too down-to-earth for that.
“How much do you pay?”
“Errr... three...” the principal eyed Joey.”I mean four... four thousand marks a month?”
Joey’s eyes flashed with greed. That would be great. He’d keep eye on Billy Lee and get paid enough to finally star the fertilizer business!
“You have a deal then, fella. When do I start?”
Oh Jeebus no... thought Billy Lee, with terror in his eyes.
Oho Home School Away From Home Bibel School
The following morning
It was the first school day after the shootout. The first day of a new era for the OHSAFHBS, as they had recruited a new, proud, patriotic teacher!
“Sit down!” Joey said upon entering the classroom. It was full of unruly kids. Or would be on a normal day, and if someone cleaned up the blood stains from the walls. And pieces of brains from the desks. These made the studends sullen and afraid for some reason.
Joey was disgusted - these little fellas couldn’t stand some inconvenience, like having to sit on a brain-splattered chair. What a weak generation that was! Not like the Greatest Generation Ever, like grandpa Jojo who saved Almera from oppressive Thanasians. Those damn Thanasians!
Yes, the Greatest Generation Ever would sit down on some kid’s brains and take it like men! Of course, they were all socialists now, wanting welfare and Medicage payouts and free diapers. This was why the Sovereign Citizens gave them universal care, alright. Universal
deathcare. Those JDAMBAMAMRAAMLRSLBM9F-117/11s sure came in handy in flattening their goddamn old folks home. Old homes, minarets, nude beaches, didn’t matter.
Fuckin’ granpa Jojo Joey thought to himself
Taught me all I know but then wanted me to pay for his nursing home! Good riddance!
His anger at the antediluvian ancestor of the family was promptly directed at the hesitating students “What the fuck are you waiting for? I said sit down!” he said angrily, waving a nice, sturdy broom handle around. Granpa Jojo was a fucking parasite, but he taught Joey the value of a good beating stick in the disseminayshun of knowledge.
The children quickly took their places, though one particularly weak kid puked when he tried cleaning up his desk with a napkin. Joey smacked him around some and made him put his unsanitary napkin in his pants, like the weak menstruating woman he was. For discipline. He had to be tough, or these eight year olds would eat him alive.
Having brought his class under control, Joey opened the logbook and did all the dreary paperwork, checking attendance, checking that every student had a loaded gun on his person, making sure that nobody brought a butter knife or obscene material, and making sure they all could recite the Pledge Of Arrogance properly.
That left some five minutes of class to discuss the actual topic of today’s history lesson. Fortunately, Joey was an excellent teacher and needed no more time to explain complex issues! As a down-to-earth working man, he had it all figured out, after all.
“Listen up, you brats! Listen up but good because there will be a test tomorrow!” Joey had no idea if there would or would not be a test, but whatever, he’d just beat them if they protested. “Today we will talk about the War Of Liberal Aggression, which some lieberals used to call the Algeiran Civil War, but that’s bullshit. You see, some time ago, I don’t know exactly when but pretty long, the Liberals from wealthy and oppressive states decided to go and beat up the poor and donwtrodden states that were guilty of nothing but doing their own thing.”
“Wait, Mr. Jojo, wasn’t that war over slavery?” some snot-nosed good for nothing student asked. It was the same annoying kid who puked after cleaning human bodily fluids off his desk.
“Are you questioning my authority, boy?” Jojo glared at the little shit, as though he was a little shit that got on Joey’s shoe. “Those slaves were all damn dirty diggers who would’ve stolen our womenfolk! Cotton diggers no better than the sand diggers our troops are killing right now! The Cunnyfenestrated States of Algeira was fightin’ for their state rights... to own diggers! That was their own thing they were doing, y’hear!”
“But...” the boy wanted to say something else, but Joey shook his broom handle threateningly “Nothing, sir. Uh... thank you.”
“That’s right! Run to momma like a little sissy! Damn, you children can’t even stand up to your convictions!”
“But Momma says the Sovereign Citizens will kill you if you do that!” Some other kid blurted out suddenly.
What the hell is up with these kids? No respect for authority! Joey thought, but out loud he said “You shut your filthy little mouth ya little sissy! The Sovereign Citizens only kill those who deserve it, like those lieberals, hippies, elite intellectuals, doctors, professors, dissidents, homobortionists, illegal aliens, leftists, public servants, socialists, sand diggers, evilutionists, veganitarians, nurses, and bicyclists! Unless you’re one of those, you have absolutely nothing to worry about!”
The kid shut up, scared of Joey’s sudden outburst. Good for him - he was wearing glasses, anyway, so he was a nerd and thus none of his opinions counted for anything.
“Anyway, now that you know what’s what, let me tell you how the war went. The brave freedom fighters of the Cunnyfenestrated States of Algeira fought long and hard but did not prevail because the Unionized States cheated every time they could... whenever they weren’t on strike, anyway, those fucking socialists. They invaded the Cunnyfenestracy and that war criminal Shermang burned down Gorga, the center of Southern civilization, and destroyed their way of life for a hundred years! But then the south rose again and as you all know, we ended the filthy liberal oppression quite recently, returning back to our glorious Murcan roots. The end.”
“Can I ask you a question, dad?”
“No! I said the end, you stupid brat!”
“But...”
“WHAT IS IT WITH YOU KIDS AND BUTTS?!”, Joey yelled at the class and stormed off mumbling obscenities to himself. The bell came soon thereafter.
“Your dad is weird.”, the kid in glasses said to Billy Lee. All Billy could do was hang his head in shame.
One day he promised quietly to himself
One day dad’ll get everything that’s coming to him.