[Macross]Yet another I need advice with a coworker thread

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2008-04-02 07:28pm

I have had my current job for three years now, and I am considering leaving because I am no longer happy there. However, there is an attractive female co-worker who I have developed strong feelings towards. The truth is, I have probably stayed at this job longer then I should have to see if anything would develop with her.

Over the past three years, I have had contact with her, mostly through email and occasionally a conversation, and I think that she is starting to show genuine interest in me. The problem is that I have very little experience with serious relationships. This is the first time in eight years that I have been in a situation like this. I know that a serious relationship takes a long time to build up, and that is how I would describe what we are doing, building up to a relationship.

But because we are in different departments, I don’t interact with her all that often. Recently, I asked a friend, a coworker in her late sixties, for her advice on what I should do about this situation. I have known her for a while and she knows me, and recently she has been working directly with the attractive female coworker.
She basically said three things.
1) The attractive female coworker is exactly the kind of person she could see me with.
2) She doesn’t like to get involved with co-workers and their relationships.
3) She was under the impression that the attractive female coworker was already involved in a relationship, as she has recently purchased a house and it was part of the relationship.

This left me stunned. Not heart-broken, not depressed, not like I wanted to jump off the roof. Just stunned. I had to leave work early because I was unable to concentrate and stay focused. I am all too familiar with the feelings of heart-break and disappointment, so when I arrived home, I expected to get hit very hard. But it didn’t happen, and I am not feeling heart-broken or disappointed, at least not yet. Instead, I feel anxious.

I knew that she was single in 2006, and while I have always considered the possibility that she could enter a relationship with someone else, I don’t feel like that is the case. I don’t know if this is wishful thinking, or denial. I can’t trust my instincts; they have a way of appearing to be flat out wrong at first, but wind up being correct as more information and analysis become available.

The only thing that I can think of doing is to tell the attractive female coworker my feelings, and prepare for the worst. My instincts tell me the worst wont happen, history tells me the worst will happen, and my friend tells me that if I tell her how I feel, it will only make her feel uncomfortable like she had been leading me on.

But my instincts tell me she wasn’t leading me on, that she was genuinely interested, but my friends instincts tell her she is already in a relationship. My friend also encouraged me to keep looking and don’t give up… well, if she is right and i am wrong, then I might as well give up because everything I have come to understand to be true about relationships is wrong. That means, by extension, that everything that I have come to understand about myself over the past three years is wrong. I can’t afford to be wrong about this.

I am ready to tell her how I feel, but I am not sure if I am ready to hear her response. I am not sure if I am even ready to be in a serious relationship. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I have to do something.

Should I tell her how I feel?
Has anyone experienced anything similar? How did it turn out?

Big Phil · Post by **Big Phil** » 2008-04-02 07:36pm

"How do I approach women?" - the Official Thread

Starglider · Post by **Starglider** » 2008-04-02 08:02pm

You left it at least two years without making a move. Apparently too long.

Really you don't have anything to lose by asking though.

Korvan · Post by **Korvan** » 2008-04-03 02:02pm

Something to always keep in mind is just because a girl is acting nice towards you, it doesn't mean she is interested in having a relationship with you. However, one of the reasons I'm with my girlfriend of five years is that I was too stupid to pick up the hints that she was not interested in me in "that way".

From you post I got the impression that your dealings with her are on a superficial level only, given that you don't know her status (single, attached, etc). It also seems that you've been pretty passive towards her for the past couple of years. Have you've given her any signs that you are interested in her? Have you taken her out for lunch, coffee or anything like that?

If not, it's my opinion that coming out of the blue and suddenly declaring your love would be bad. If it was a movie, that would be part where the entire audience is cringing. My opinion is that you just ask her out with the intention of getting to know her better. If she has a boyfriend, hopefully she'll let you know at that time.

The impression you want to leave is that you've known her for a couple of years and just realized that you could be interested in her, rather than that you've been mentally stalking her for the last few years.

Good luck, and try not to get fixated on just one girl, odds are you will have to date a lot of women before finding the right one.

Post by **Colonel Olrik** » 2008-04-03 05:51pm

Jesus Christ, your idea of how to begin or have a serious relationship seems based solely on bad straight-to-the-heart romantic movies. Do you honestly think a normal 30 years old woman will wait years for you to gain balls, and abstain from having hot sweaty sex with other men? Won't happen.

You need an attitude change ASAP or die a virgin.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2008-04-04 02:30am

Dude, she just bought a house with the guy she's involved with. That ship has sailed.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2008-04-04 02:35am

Wow. You found out she was single back in 2006, and you're still trying to decide whether you should make a move? Worse yet, even after another coworker has told you that she's already involved with someone else, you think you might have a shot?

Seriously, I don't know if it will hurt your feelings to have people mock you for the choices you've made (or more accurately, failed to make) here, but it would be a gigantic understatement to say that you need to pick up your game. This one's not happening; you should learn from this and resolve to be more decisive with the next girl.

Macross wrote:I can’t afford to be wrong about this.

To quote Obama, YES YOU CAN. Your life won't end if you discover that you fucked up.

Post by **Dalton** » 2008-04-04 11:39am

If she's the sole reason why you're still at that job, then it's time to move on. My bet is that you won't make any further progress there.

Post by **LadyTevar** » 2008-04-04 12:46pm

You had TWO YEARS to make a move. You didn't. So she moved on when you showed no interest. Sucks to be you. Give up, move on, don't be such a fuckin' idjit next time.

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2008-04-04 02:35pm

Colonel Olrik wrote:Jesus Christ, your idea of how to begin or have a serious relationship seems based solely on bad straight-to-the-heart romantic movies. Do you honestly think a normal 30 years old woman will wait years for you to gain balls, and abstain from having hot sweaty sex with other men? Won't happen.

You need an attitude change ASAP or die a virgin.

Im not talking about sex, I'm talking about relationships.

Yes, I may be inexperienced, but I am not naive enough to believe that what I see on TV is accurate portrayal of what a relationship is. The fact that you equate relationships and sex and believe that it is impossible for someone to go two years without sex tells me that you have your own misconceptions about relationships and that you probably should not be giving advice.

As for rest, there has been some misunderstanding so I will clarify a few things...
The issue if she is already in a relationship is an unknown, the idea is based off of an assumption by a coworker and is not a fact.

In my experiences with her, this assumption would be false. She was single in 2006, and since that time I believe that she has started showing interest in me.

My experiences with her contradict my coworkers assumption of her.

Why would she be showing interest in me if she was already in a relationship? Or was I simply misreading her actions. That is the issue. I asked for advice on what is the best way for me to proceed when I don't know what is true.

J · Post by J » 2008-04-04 02:49pm

Macross wrote:I asked for advice on what is the best way for me to proceed when I don't know what is true.

Ask her out.

Big Phil · Post by **Big Phil** » 2008-04-04 03:05pm

Macross wrote:BLAH BLAH EMO BULLSHIT BLAH BLAH

God you piss me off; I'd like nothing better than to come down to wherever it is you work, take this girl that you want to ask out, and fuck her on your desk right in front of you, just to teach you to stop being such a fucking pussy and put you in your place.

Cowboy up and ask her out, and knock off the emo whiny bullshit. Two fucking years before you ask her out? Jesus, I really hope she laughs in your face, it's what you deserve for wasting two years of your life.

Post by **Colonel Olrik** » 2008-04-04 03:36pm

Macross wrote:ough to believe that what I see on TV is accurate portrayal of what a relationship is. The fact that you equate relationships and sex and believe that it is impossible for someone to go two years without sex tells me that you have your own misconceptions about relationships and that you probably should not be giving advice.

Damn

That's right, you don't want my advice. I suggest you ask Batman and others like both of you, brave virginal knights in search of the Lady of your dreams who understands how special and much better you are than me.

I'll just stick with my hot, doctor girlfriend with whom I've been for 3+ years and who very much wants to marry me. Of course, I was fucking her into multiple orgasms a couple of weeks after we first met and I asked her out. What a superficial relationship we have, now I realize it and all thanks to you.

The issue if she is already in a relationship is an unknown, the idea is based off of an assumption by a coworker and is not a fact.

In my experiences with her, this assumption would be false. She was single in 2006, and since that time I believe that she has started showing interest in me.

My experiences with her contradict my coworkers assumption of her.

Why would she be showing interest in me if she was already in a relationship? Or was I simply misreading her actions. That is the issue. I asked for advice on what is the best way for me to proceed when I don't know what is true.

Then ask her and then tell us what happened. If she kisses you I'll take everything back and apologise to you and the Universe at large.

Post by **Colonel Olrik** » 2008-04-04 04:19pm

Goddamnit Macross, you're at least 31 and still a virgin. Have you ever even french kissed a woman? Get out of your fucking high horse. The WOMEN posting in this thread are telling you to get a hint. Do it. You haven't evolved anything since the first time I noticed your posts in ARSE back in 2004.

Love and life are great, and you've missed out a decade and a half of it already. It's time for a fucking change, not to whine again about how misunderstood and lonely you are.

eyexist · Post by **eyexist** » 2008-04-04 04:38pm

Yes, I may be inexperienced, but I am not naive enough to believe that what I see on TV is accurate portrayal of what a relationship is. The fact that you equate relationships and sex and believe that it is impossible for someone to go two years without sex tells me that you have your own misconceptions about relationships and that you probably should not be giving advice.

No. He's not saying that she can go two years without having sex, he's saying that she's not going to wait over two years for you to ask her out.

Seriously. Next time you bump into her just ask her out. The worst she can say to you is "No".

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2008-04-04 05:22pm

SancheztheWhaler wrote:
Macross wrote:BLAH BLAH EMO BULLSHIT BLAH BLAH
God you piss me off; I'd like nothing better than to come down to wherever it is you work, take this girl that you want to ask out, and fuck her on your desk right in front of you, just to teach you to stop being such a fucking pussy and put you in your place.

Cowboy up and ask her out, and knock off the emo whiny bullshit. Two fucking years before you ask her out? Jesus, I really hope she laughs in your face, it's what you deserve for wasting two years of your life.

This post is brilliant.

eyexist · Post by **eyexist** » 2008-04-04 06:14pm

This reminds me of a co-worker I knew a while back. His name was Rob and he was the most hideous person I have ever seen in my entire life, and he smelled bad, and he is illiterate. Yes - he is illiterate; he only has a third grade education.

He however had not only a hot girlfriend, but she was college educated and putting herself through law school. She would come to the job every night to bring him dinner since he worked late.

All the new employees asked him the same question: "How did you get a girl like that?"

He said "HE ASKED".

To this day they are still together. Unless she's married or already in a relationship no woman is truly "unattainable" and you pining over her for two years has put her needlessly on a pedestal. Worst case scenario is you two get to know each other and find out you have absolutely nothing in common. Best case scenario is you find out that socially awkward types such as yourself totally turn her on and gives you a blow job during your lunch break.

But you gotta ask her out first

Rye · Post by **Rye** » 2008-04-04 07:26pm

If I were in your position, i would slap my balls really hard and on the resultant adrenaline, ask her to elope and then bail from the job regardless. If she says yes, go do it, end up somewhere and leave your old world and you in the past. No point waiting for 2 more damn years.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2008-04-04 11:34pm

eyexist wrote:This reminds me of a co-worker I knew a while back. His name was Rob and he was the most hideous person I have ever seen in my entire life, and he smelled bad, and he is illiterate. Yes - he is illiterate; he only has a third grade education.

He however had not only a hot girlfriend, but she was college educated and putting herself through law school. She would come to the job every night to bring him dinner since he worked late.

All the new employees asked him the same question: "How did you get a girl like that?"

He said "HE ASKED".

To this day they are still together. Unless she's married or already in a relationship no woman is truly "unattainable" and you pining over her for two years has put her needlessly on a pedestal. Worst case scenario is you two get to know each other and find out you have absolutely nothing in common. Best case scenario is you find out that socially awkward types such as yourself totally turn her on and gives you a blow job during your lunch break.

But you gotta ask her out first

That's too simplistic. Frankly, a guy like that is a totally shit catch, and if a girl fell for him, I'll bet real money that she has massive self-esteem problems and psychological issues. Some girls who are completely fucked in the head actually choose to go after undesirable guys, because they can't feel comfortable with a desirable guy (they think they don't deserve one).

Arthur_Tuxedo · Post by **Arthur_Tuxedo** » 2008-04-05 01:05am

Write this girl off and find somebody else to desire. After two years, the chances of this ending happily are somewhat less than stellar. And the next time you like a girl, ask her out right away, like within the first week. It will be a lot less awkward for you since you haven't built her up in your mind and that will translate into more confidence.

EDIT: To add to this, I recently made a mistake of my own with a coworker. I had asked her out to a friendly cup of coffee to test the waters a few days after we first met, and she gave me the wrong number (twice). So I wrote her off as another pretty but psycho dame and didn't think much of it.

A few months later she gets dumped by her boyfriend and I felt like she was sending interested signals, but it took a lot longer to ask her out, and it was a lot more stressful. I knew her better, and I knew that it could make things awkward if I guessed wrong. After a couple weeks I finally did ask her, and she shot me down. I felt like crap for a couple of days over the weekend and then I came back to work and things were pretty awkward. Then they became less awkward and now they're fine. My self-confidence is restored and I'm ready to get back out on the meat market, and now that I can finally weigh things with a clear head, I'm grateful she didn't say yes! Sweet girl, but I can see why her ex got fed up.

This was the worst case scenario, and it wasn't that bad, but only because I didn't wait so long before asking and didn't mentally build her into some kind of goddess. And if I can do it as someone who's never been comfortable or successful talking to desirable girls, you can too.

ANGELUS · Post by **ANGELUS** » 2008-04-05 01:16am

Macross wrote:In my experiences with her, this assumption would be false. She was single in 2006, and since that time I believe that she has started showing interest in me.

So, the fact that she was single two years ago means that she's single now? (even if she's really interested in you that doesn't mean shes not with somebody already).

My experiences with her contradict my coworkers assumption of her.

What are these experiences?

Why would she be showing interest in me if she was already in a relationship? Or was I simply misreading her actions. That is the issue. I asked for advice on what is the best way for me to proceed when I don't know what is true.

So.... what exactly are these actions that make you believe she's interested in you? she smiled at you when you ran into her down the corridor? she made some nice comment about your tie? She said weather was nice when you talked to her at the coffe machine? It would be easier to tell if she's interested if you explained a little more about it. So far it sounds to me as if you simply are misreading her actions.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2008-04-05 01:16am

If this girl ever finds out that he's been pining for her since 2006, she'll be creeped out big-time. From his perspective, he's been taking his time and waiting for the perfect moment (as if that's a good strategy). From her perspective, she just found out that this guy who she thought was a friendly coworker has actually been a secret admirer for two years, and for all she knows he has a creepy shrine in his apartment full of clandestine pictures of her.

Aaron · Post by **Aaron** » 2008-04-06 08:12am

Darth Wong wrote:If this girl ever finds out that he's been pining for her since 2006, she'll be creeped out big-time. From his perspective, he's been taking his time and waiting for the perfect moment (as if that's a good strategy). From her perspective, she just found out that this guy who she thought was a friendly coworker has actually been a secret admirer for two years, and for all she knows he has a creepy shrine in his apartment full of clandestine pictures of her.

It's to early in the morning for this high school crap! You should have asked her out within the first two weeks of meeting her, now your pretty much fucked.

I'll second Colonel Olriks approach, it works. Hell my wife and I almost fucked on the first date.

Durandal · Post by **Durandal** » 2008-04-06 03:27pm

Macross wrote:Im not talking about sex, I'm talking about relationships.

Yes, I may be inexperienced, but I am not naive enough to believe that what I see on TV is accurate portrayal of what a relationship is. The fact that you equate relationships and sex and believe that it is impossible for someone to go two years without sex tells me that you have your own misconceptions about relationships and that you probably should not be giving advice.

Stop blowing smoke up your own ass and admit that you want to fuck her. Just say to yourself "I want to wreck that pussy (while respecting her as a woman)". I'm sure you also want a relationship with her, but you're denying your own carnal impulses at this point. And to quote The 40 Year Old Virgin, you're putting the pussy on a pedestal.

As for rest, there has been some misunderstanding so I will clarify a few things...
The issue if she is already in a relationship is an unknown, the idea is based off of an assumption by a coworker and is not a fact.

In my experiences with her, this assumption would be false. She was single in 2006, and since that time I believe that she has started showing interest in me.

Being single in 2006 has no bearing on someone's relationship status in 2008.

My experiences with her contradict my coworkers assumption of her.

Why would she be showing interest in me if she was already in a relationship? Or was I simply misreading her actions. That is the issue. I asked for advice on what is the best way for me to proceed when I don't know what is true.

Do you have any idea how much flirting goes on in your average workplace between people who are married or dating other people? It happens all the time. (Just watch The Office. Despite being a comedy, it's a remarkably accurate representation of office relationships.) It doesn't necessarily indicate interest. It just means that you spend 8 hours a day with these people, and there's bound to be some flirting.

Macross · Post by **Macross** » 2008-04-06 11:27pm

Darth Wong wrote:If this girl ever finds out that he's been pining for her since 2006, she'll be creeped out big-time. From his perspective, he's been taking his time and waiting for the perfect moment (as if that's a good strategy). From her perspective, she just found out that this guy who she thought was a friendly coworker has actually been a secret admirer for two years, and for all she knows he has a creepy shrine in his apartment full of clandestine pictures of her.

No, I don't think she would be creeped out. She already knows about the abnormal difficulties I experienced with socialization while growing up. It was actually one of the first things we talked about when a mutual friend was experiencing some severe mental health issues and I explained to her what was happening, why it was happening, and how she could help.

So I don't think it would come as any big surprise to her that I don't know what I am doing.

But, I suppose its a moot point now. I'm going to be leaving at the end of the month anyway and I'm planning to say goodbye to her as I would any other coworker.

It's probably for the best that I don't know if she is single or not, its become apparent from what I have read here that I am still not ready.