Something you might want to avoid is what I call "star trek syndrome" meaning you give too much much info right away.

when writing exposition you should ask yourself "does the audience really need to know this?" after all you do need to leave some threads untied for the rest of the series and giving too much info right away can make dialoge feel unnatural.

I checked it out. I admire their dedication, but to be quite honest, that's how I want my show to NOT look.

EXT. WHITE FOREST - BORDER

A portal opens above a platform near an ocean with a forest
of white trees along its coast. The sun hangs over the
horizon casting long shadows.

Arden, Bronal, and Eron emerge.

Arden speaks the words in reverse order, sealing the portal.
There is a path ahead, and a decayed, illegible wooden sign
post.

ARDEN
They're still using this trail.
Leave the peace offering here.

Bronal uncorks the jug and sniffs.

BRONAL
What's it made from?

ARDEN
A root I believe.

ERON
What does it do?

ARDEN
Leraint would call it an
"intoxicant."

ERON
It's just a drink?

ARDEN
I'm told it's a Sylph favorite.

Bronal takes a gulp, grimaces, and belches.

BRONAL
Strong enough to grow ye a third
testicle.

ARDEN
From you Bronal, that sounds like a
high compliment.

Bronal sets the jug below the sign post. Eron takes a clumsy
swig and promptly vomits. His companions laugh heartily.

Arden leads them through the forest. In sunlight the trees
are lush and green. In shadow, bare and skeletal.

ERON
I thought there would be snow.

ARDEN
Only in the mountains along the
border. We'll be keeping to the
coast.

ERON
I thought Sylph were the guardians
of the border. Wouldn't moving
toward it get their attention?

BRONAL
Not the kind of attention we want
lad.

ERON
Better than none at all.

ARDEN
It's not a discussion.

ERON
What if we split up? Better chance
of them finding us.

ARDEN
No Eron.

ERON
You weren't planning on having me
along anyway. I can meet you back
at the gate.

Arden stops, turns around, and makes eye contact.

ARDEN
I'm going to say this just one more
time. I'm in charge, and I say NO.

Eventually they stop in a shadowed alcove and set up camp.

ARDEN (CONT'D)
You take first watch.

Bronal falls asleep, snoring loudly. Arden keeps an eye on
Eron, but eventually nods off. Eron fidgets, glancing
repeatedly at the distant snowy mountaintops along the
border.

He steps away to relieve himself. When finished, he looks
back toward the mountains, then toward Arden and Bronal who
are now half hidden by foliage.

Eron sneaks away.

MONTAGE

He strides toward the barrier quickly but quietly. Finding a
path, he follows it out of the forest, through boggy marshes,
across barren fields, and up to the base of the foothills
below the mountains.



EXT. FOOTHILLS - GLADE - BORDER

As Eron is harvesting mushrooms he spies an ugly bird landing
in a tree nearby. He slowly pulls his bow from his back. The
arrows are fletched with different feathers and marked with
different sets of runes and he selects carefully. As he
notches the arrow he whispers a word. He looks the bird in
the eye and releases the arrow. It passes through the bird's
eye socket and out the back of it's skull.

Someone is watching Eron.

ERON
Who's there? Arden? Bronal?

Silence. Eron, seeing no one, cautiously picks up the dead
bird.



EXT. FOOTHILLS - CAMPSITE - BORDER

Eron roasts the bird on a spit above a toasty camp fire.

Thunder rolls along the mountains and he looks toward the
fierce storm raging along the border.

Does anything stand out at you as being unnecessary thus far? It's a fine line to tread, keeping people curious, while still giving them what they need to understand whats going on. The first Matrix movie did it expertly. The sequels failed miserably, in this way in particular, as well as all other ways.

nothing really stands out for now, but then it's kind of hard for me to judge as I don't really know what's an important fact for the story, what's "lore" fact (aka something that's strictly not necessary up adds to the story by building scope) and what's just unnecessary for the story.

An example might be "The Ancients." They won't be mentioned again, but are needed (I think) as an explanation both for the magic system, and for how humans came to this world. I guess I should ask again once I've posted the last scene.

As for the exposition thus far, does it seem fairly conversational? Is there a way to make it more natural, or to imply some things without actually saying them? That's one of the things I'm working really hard on, and don't really have a sense of how well I'm doing.

well is an explanation of the magic system really needed (beond it does A, B and C but cannot do D, E or F)?

That's a good question, as it is something I go into later on. I'll have to ponder. I did want to establish rules, but maybe that isn't necessary for the pilot.

[edit] Feeling any connection to the characters yet? Care if they live or die?

Not really feeling that connection, no. But it's only a few scenes in.

I've heard it said that there are two schools of thought when it comes to a pilot, though I don't think they're mutually exclusive. First, you lay out the premise. Foundation, foundation, foundation, for things to come. Explain who the major characters are and what the setting is. The second is that you need something flashy and attention grabbing, ideally with some mysteries to be resolved in follow-up episodes. you want them to want more of your show, after all.

I was going to put up a clip from 'Encounter at Farpoint' to illustrate my point, but I can't find the one scene distinct from the rest of the episode anywhere. It's where they introduce both Data and the holodeck by having Riker go to the holodeck to fetch Data. The introduction of the holodeck is smooth, it's shown and commented on but briefly. Data's introduction is a lot clumsier, his dialogue is atrocious and he just sort of blurts out his life's ambition and heart's dream to a complete stranger. You should take that part as an example of what not to do.

The point is, you take a season or whatever to explore how magic works and where it comes from, but it would help to have some hints of it at the very begining. HOw far ahead do you have this thing storyboarded? It would probably help to have at least a general idea what you're doing for the first season before you sell the pilot. Having a plan lets you foreshadow, and it's very reassuring to anyone thinking about throwing money at your show.

Recently, I had occasion to rewatch the first episode of the Last Airbender 'the Boy in the Iceverg' as well as Chuck Sonneburgs review of the series. If you haven't seen it, I'd recommend it as a good example to follow. It quickly introduces the main characters and their motivations without obvious info-dumping, gives you some information about the setting, and still has a lot of fun, which is also important, your pilot will be judged as much on atmosphere as anything. Of course, it was a kid's show so fun was the order of the day.

Best of all, it left some mysteries while making you curious, like Zuko's motivations and backstory, or how Aang ended up frozen. It has a quality of good literature in that when you watch it again knowing everything later revealed, many things take on a whole new meaning.

That's something you can only achieve with a lot of preplanning and effort, but is oh so worth it. Compare with BSG, where watching the first episodes knowing everything you find out later just leaves you feeling slightly more confused.

Thanks, good thoughts

Other than the comic book I don't have much in the way of story boards, but I do plan to complete them from scratch once I've finished a solid final...ish draft of the script (though I've already started drawing the imagery I'm certain of.)

I do have a pretty good idea of how season one will go down. Seasons two and three are foggier, but I've got the basics down. It concludes thoroughly at the end of the third season.

EXT. FROZEN SUMMIT - NIGHT

Thunder echoes distantly. The thin crescent moons do little
to illuminate the windblown snow.

Kaylea stands at the top of a tall hill, gazing at the blood
red sunset mostly obscured by the barrier. Parik trudges up
the steep incline to join her.

A large flying transport ascends from the valley below and
diminishes to a speck in the distance.

PARIK
This wind is insane!

KAYLEA
It's so warm.

PARIK
Nearly zero. The heat is playing
tricks on our instruments. I just
sent a squad to check out a
temperature spike nearby.

KAYLEA
Has the ground team finished
running tests yet?

PARIK
Almost. You should come down out of
this wind.

KAYLEA
I like it up here. Call me when
they're ready.

He hesitates, then walks back the way he came.



EXT. FROZEN HILLS - NIGHT

Four soldiers in high-tech armored uniforms trudge through
the powder. The first carries a transparent computer console
with a HUD (Heads Up Display) showing vague sensor readings.

SOLDER 1
10 meters or less. Safeties off.

The soldiers raise and arm their rifles.

SOLDIER 2
Could it be a native?

SOLDIER 1
No. Quiet. I'm not seeing the heat
source.

SOLDIER 3
I don't see anything.

SOLDIER 4
Nothing to see. I keep telling you,
our sensors aren't calibrated to
account for ambient heat this close
to the border.

SOLDIER 1
I said shut it! Pop some flares.

They ignite blue flares and toss them about.

At the center of their formation a puff of breath rises from
a snowdrift.

A figure in black bursts from the snow! Wielding a long
makeshift blade, he slaughters the soldiers before they can
react. A radio crackles.

PARIK (RADIO)
Squad two report in.

The man in black picks up the console and pulls aside his
mask and goggles.

ALISTAIR
Parik? This is Alistair. Tell your
sister I can't wait to see her
again.

The second soldier is still alive. He groans, lifts his head,
spits blood, sees ALISTAIR, and scrambles backward.
Alistair draws a primitive double barreled handgun and shoots
him dead.

EXT. STAGING AREA - NIGHT

Tents and cargo containers. KAYLEA runs toward PARIK.

PARIK
(to radio)
Disable that terminal and re
encrypt. ALL UNITS FALL BACK TO
BASE CAMP! WE HAVE ENGAGED THE
ENEMY!

The captain appears as Kaylea reaches Parik.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
They've shot down the transport.
Sky Control will send another when
we don't return.

PARIK
I told you this would happen if you
left the city.

KAYLEA
I know. You were right, okay?

PARIK
I'm the expendable one. That's the
deal Kaylea. That's the whole
point.

KAYLEA
Can we have this discussion again
later? I'll be safer in the air.

PARIK
You'll be a target in the air.
Someone else can fly it well enough
to draw them away while we dig in
and wait for the next transport.
It's the smart thing to do. Think
about it.

KAYLEA
It's my decision.

She turns and walks back the way she came. He follows,
matching her brisk pace.

PARIK
Why are you so determined to get
your hands dirty?

KAYLEA
...Alistair is out there. You know
he is.

PARIK
Why does it have to be you that
brings him in? You have thousands
of Enforcers trained from birth to
capture Cons. They don't need your
help.

KAYLEA
Then why haven't they captured him?

PARIK
This is exactly what he wants you
to do. You're playing his game.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Your brother is right Kaylea. You
weren't created to fight, or to
design aircraft for that matter.
You purpose is command.

KAYLEA
I'm so sick of hearing about my
purpose! I do a better job leading
than you two do following.

They come to a line of flares that serves as a landing strip.
A sleek white aircraft hovers above the surface of the snow.

She climbs into the cockpit and straps herself in. Captain
Elias dematerializes and reappears in the corner of Kaylea's
HUD.

KAYLEA (CONT'D)
Coming along?

CAPTAIN ELIAS
If you don't mind.

KAYLEA
Systems check.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Green across the board.

PARIK
Circle a few times and see if you
can't spot them from the air. We'll
start moving toward Squad Two's
last position... Be careful.

KAYLEA
You too.

As the canopy closes she takes to the sky.

Parik's squad leaders scramble into formation.

PARIK
No prisoners, no bounties. Shoot to
kill. Understood? Grab a command
shield and assemble your squads.

I really need help on this scene from those of you who know about squad tactics:
-

INT. COCKPIT

Kaylea completes a few circles and then heads toward the
horizon. Her HUD soon locates a cloud of ugly airplanes.

KAYLEA
Enemy aircraft on approach! They're
an older model. I can take them.

PARIK
Negative. We're right behind you.
Stay out of range but fall back and
let them follow. We'll shoot them
down as they pass over.

She locks target on twelve of the enemy fighters
simultaneously.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Kaylea?

She fires, depleting her missiles and destroying all twelve
targets, plus a thirteenth which collides with the exploding
wreckage.

KAYLEA
Copy. Coming around.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
They've spotted you. They're moving
to intercept.

KAYLEA
Make a note Captain. More missiles.

She veers away. The inferior aircraft pursue, firing wing
mounted machine guns from far out of range.



EXT. FROZEN HILLS

Parik leads a small group of men through the snow. He carries
a large transparent riot shield. Other squads can be seen in
the distance.

Parik's shield has a HUD displaying targeting information. It
locks target on eight of the enemy planes.

Kaylea passes overhead.

PARIK
Fire!

They shoot down the designated targets, and the formation
breaks apart, dividing their attention between Kaylea and the
soldiers. Kaylea comes around again, gaining altitude.

CAPTAIN ELIAS (RADIO)
Incoming infantry. 221 by 43.

PARIK
Copy. Squad Nine, move forward.

Squad Nine is ahead of them on a nearby hill. They move over
it. Parik's shield displays a picture-in-picture showing
Squad Nine's HUD. Gunfire flashes on the other side of the
hill. Squad Nine's HUD turns to static and disappears.

Parik signals his men, and together they move around the hill
rather than over it.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Form up behind me.

His squad forms a sharp arrow as each man tries to stay
behind the shield without blocking his own firing arc or that
of the man behind. The Convict's gunfire begins to deflect
off the shield, and it uses the impacts to triangulate the
enemy's position.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Coordinate fire on my mark!

Parik raises a large pistol and aims with a blue laser sight.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Fire!

They fire together. Bloody explosions follow, and the shield
confirms all targets eliminated.

One of Parik's men is struck from outside the shield's
coverage. His heartbeat flat-lines on Parik's display.

PARIK (CONT'D)
All units! They can puncture our
armor! Stay behind your command
shields!

Radio chatter increases. We hear other soldiers dying.
Flashes and explosions can be seen in the distance.

Three more of his men are shot dead. Parik swings the shield
around and the squad swings with it. The interface tries
unsuccessfully to identify a target. Parik turns back again
and the squad realigns. Nothing.

A convict aircraft dives and strafes the squad, killing the
remaining subordinates, puncturing Parik's shield, and
knocking it from his hand.

Alistair charges out of the darkness and fires both barrels
at close range. Parik protects his face with his bare shield
arm and it bleeds profusely. Alistair draws his blade and
lunges. Parik knocks the blade into the snow and Alistair
tackles him before he can aim with his pistol. They fall onto
the shield and it acts as a sled, sliding down the hill with
the two grappling men on top of it. As they pick up speed,
Alistair punches Parik in the face over and over again.

Posted some video wips here: viewtopic.php?f=14&t=155738&p=3696284#p3696284

Still looking for help on this, and added a new prologue!



Thread here: viewtopic.php?f=14&t=155985

Not sure you want to use the 'night siders from earth' card in the very start. Could be a nice plot point to finish up an episode or something, other than that, nice little clip. Voice over is a bit shaky, but other than that nice.

I'm running into a big problem with maybe half the people who watch the CrossOver video. They think the planet is Earth, despite my attempts to make it visually distinct. I think a big part of this is that I start the narration with "Our Sun." The solution is to name the planet, something I've been resistant to until now.

I'm considering hijacking the legend of Tír na nÓg. "Land of the Young"the most popular of the Otherworlds in Irish mythology.

Tír na nÓg was considered a place beyond the edges of the map where happiness lasted forever. It could be reached by either an arduous voyage or an invitation from one of its fairy residents, Tuatha de Danann (the Masters, who I would rename)

The story goes that if you visit Tír na nÓg, then return to Earth, 300 years will have passed. This fits nicely with the time dilation that occurs with light speed travel.

As it may be overly presumptuous to utilize an aspect of someone's culture for my own purposes, I'm also considering changing the names slightly, possibly by going back to the old Irish roots, and interpreting how the language may have evolved differently on this alien planet.

Does this sound like a good idea to you? Why or why not?

-

Also, I'll be looking for voice actors (ideally Irish or Scottish, bull I'll consider anyone) to narrate the revised exposition, if you are interested.

You could end around that problem, with people thinking it's earth, by reversing the order in which the narrative is told. Start off with the tale of the ship going there and landing on the night side, and then explain the history thereof from there.

personally I'd take elements from other similar cultures (say for example the germanic or nordic ones) so that the culture would have certain general feel (in this case celtic) without being a direct carbon copy of any earthen culture and a name isn't as important as showing the planet to be alien (multiple suns or moons work though they might cause effect problems) also having the planet do things we know to be impossible for earth, like going 100% dark (by having normal day/night rotation) and yes I hate the tidal lock idea even if I have no problems with half light/half dark concept or rotating around it's sun without seeming rotating around its axis (aka the tidal lock). maybe even combine these aspects so that the world is clearly not the Earth we know.

Someone mentioned Marvel's Thor, so now I feel better about this new draft:

-
Tír na nÓk, home of the Ancients. Your people call it HVS3k.


In Earth’s infancy, a tribe of humans was summoned to this world.

My ancestors.

The Ancients showed us the secrets of the universe, and taught us how to bend reality to our will.

As they dwindled, their power faded

and the gateway home was sealed.

When the last of the Ancients died

the world slowed to a halt.

Forests burned and oceans boiled.

We endured by mastering the power of the Ancients

and the more we learned,

The more we prospered.

On the Nightside forests withered and oceans froze.

None survived.

Back on Earth, tales of this world faded into myth.

You developed advanced technology,

and built ships that could cross the stars.

One such vessel stumbled upon this world,

and crashed on the Nightside.

In time,

these castaways flourished.

You built a kingdom in the dark.

The Great Barrier divides Night and Day,

preventing contact between our two Empires.

Until now...

-

Tír na nÓk Is pronounced like this: http://www.forvo.com/word/t%C3%ADr_na_n%C3%B3g/#ga
but with a “k” rather than a “g” as that is closer to the Old Irish.

Eureka! I think I’ve got it!
-
The Master’s planet is the oldest in the galaxy. Their sun will never die.

In Earth’s infancy, they summoned a tribe of humans to this world.

My ancestors.

The Masters showed us the secrets of the universe, and taught us how to bend reality to our will.

As they dwindled, their power faded

and the gateway home was sealed.

When the last of the Masters died

the world slowed to a halt.

Forests burned and oceans boiled.

We were able to endure by studying their wisdom.

and the more we learned,

The more we prospered.

On the Nightside forests withered and oceans froze.

None survived.

Back on Earth, tales of this world faded into myth.

You developed advanced technology,

and built ships that could cross the stars.

One such vessel stumbled upon this world,

and crashed on the Nightside.

In time,

these castaways flourished.

You built a kingdom in the dark.

The Great Barrier divides Night and Day,

preventing contact between our two Empires.

Until now...

-

I haven't named the planet, but I think that I’ve clarified that it’s not Earth, and I can hint at its mythical associations subtextually.

What do you think?

Here it is broken into parts for two narrators:

-

Narrator #1 (male):

The Master’s world was once a paradise.

They gathered my ancestors from Earth at the dawn of our civilization.

The Masters showed us the secrets of the universe,

and taught us how to bend reality to our will.

As they dwindled, their power faded,

and the gateway home was sealed.

When the last Master died,

their world slowed to a halt.

Forests burned and oceans boiled.

We were able to endure by studying their knowledge.

and the more we learned,

The more we prospered.

On the Nightside forests withered and oceans froze.

None survived.

-

Narrator #2 (female):

On Earth, tales of this world had faded into myth.

We developed advanced technology,

and built ships that could cross the stars.

My ancestors stumbled upon this world,

and crashed on the Nightside.

In time, the castaways flourished.

Our city is a warm light in the cold darkness.

The Great Barrier divides Night and Day,

preventing contact between our two Empires.

Until now...

Flows better I think. I like the Ancients better than the Masters though.