Help me create a pilot episode! (Sci-Fi vs Fantasy)

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I'm adapting my comic concept into a pilot! Below you'll find the first bit of screenplay and a some promo material that will eventually become part of a pitch on kickstarter.

The story is about two civilizations, like Montagues and Capulets, who live on opposite sides of a tidally locked planet, divided by day and night.


Big: http://crossovercomic.com/media/extras/ ... ps_zen.jpg


Big: http://crossovercomic.com/media/extras/ ... s_fall.jpg

3D models video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... rIxsBBGDdQ

I plan to film all around my home state of Alaska starting next year. Test footage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... diWTNGlAYU

Costume concepts: http://crossovercomic.com/media/extras/ ... oodles.jpg

Props and miniatures in progress: http://crossovercomic.com/index.php?pag ... d_costumes

I'll post one scene at a time and try to get feedback before moving on. Any advice you could offer would be very appreciated, as I want to start distributing the script to local actors soon, and it just isn't good enough yet.

-




CROSSOVER PILOT SCREENPLAY

Shawn Weixelman

http://www.fuzzymodem.com

05.07.2012

Episode 1: "Star-Crossed"



EXT. BARREN VALLEY - ESTABLISHING DUSK/DAWN

Grey and foggy. Treeless and inhospitable. A young girl,
ALYSSA, sits on a rock reading a book with a tattered leather
cover.

The book shimmers and distorts, then vanishes. A small
readout on her bracelet displays a depleted energy symbol.
She looks up and realizes that she is alone.

ALYSSA
Sir Leraint?

No response. She climbs off the rock.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
Leraint? Where are you? Can you
hear me? LERAINT!?!

Alyssa hesitates, then begins to walk, calling out
periodically.

She comes across a shattered skull.

The rest of the skeleton is nearby in a suit of rusting
armor. She closes her eyes.

ALYSSA (CONT'D)
I knew what to expect. I'm not a
coward.

She regains her composure, opens her eyes, and walks around.

More skeletons appear. Some of them are human, others alien.
Some wear only decaying fabric, others high-tech armor. Arrow
shafts and rusty weapons carpet the ground.

She walks faster, still calling out. A trio of skulls on
spikes grin up at her. As she breaks into a run she stumbles
and falls. She rises to her knees, and finds herself staring
into the bloodshot eyes of a freshly decapitated head on a
spike.

She screams, scrambles to her feet, whips around, and is face
to face with a bearded old man. She gasps and then recognizes
him.

Alyssa (CONT'D)
Sir Leraint?

He is asleep on his feet, eyes rolled back, snoring lightly,
leaning against a gnarled wooden staff. She pinches him.

LERAINT
Um? Oh! Was I sleeping again? So
sorry. I meant to come back for
you.

ALYSSA
Why didn't you bury them?

She gestures to the skeletons.

LERAINT
(sighs)
We could have buried them all, or
burned them, though it would have
taken many moons. In the end we
decided to leave everything on the
battlefield untouched.

He sees the fresh head.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
Oh! I do apologize. You shouldn't
have had to see that.

ALYSSA
I wasn't afraid. Who was he?

LERAINT
Grave robber. Those who disturb the
dead are condemned to join them,
though it's made little difference
lately. When you are grown it will
be your responsibility to decide
what to do with the all the
treasures that remain here.

He produces a primitive yet ornate compass.

LERAINT (CONT'D)
This way now Alyssa. Hurry on. We
have far to go yet.

They walk together.

ALYSSA
Where are my Mother and Father?

LERAINT
The Druids maintain a garden at the
heart of the battlefield. Your
parents are there. We will end our
fast by eating from the garden,
meditate, and return home before
second moonfall ends the season. Is
everything clear to you?

ALYSSA
Why did the war start?

He can't help but laugh.

LERAINT
Sorry child, but you had as well
ask why the wind blows.

ALYSSA
Wind blows because of the
atmospheric pressure differential
between the Dayside and the
Nightside. That's what creates the
Great Barrier.

She looks toward the dark horizon where a wall of churning
storm clouds meets a jagged mountain range. Lightning flashes
and thunder rolls.

LERAINT
Yes, but why does the wind blow
Alyssa? (beat) Because it must.

ALYSSA
That's stupid.

LERAINT
Don't be impudent.

ALYSSA
Impudent... Rude or disrespectful.

LERAINT
Yes, yes, you're a very clever
girl.

ALYSSA
Then tell me why the war started.
Tell me... why my parents died.

LERAINT
(sighs)
Where to begin?...

[cadbrowser]

Dude! What software package do you use to create those 3D models? I may have to utilize you on a project of my own. PM me please!

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I use Maya, and normally I'm available to take contracts, but at the moment I'm working on this project, moving to a new apartment, tutoring, and taking 15 credits.

[Meest]

Need more info, like you plan to shoot this live action? I ask because the renderings are extremely bloomy or whatever you want to call that GI effect, not sure how you can transfer that look to live action without a great compositor and cost. For the area demo I'd try to add some composite shots of how this 3D will look with the live action or at least some matte painting backgrounds.

For cost advice or practicality I would go the Babylon 5 style route, have these pretty establishing shots but most of the action happens inside these buildings, does Alaska have any fully built studios/sound stages? With elaborate 3D sets it will be really hard to do outside shots like at that second castle looking place, might be able to do balcony shots like in Stargate Atlantis.

As for the script, try to make the exposition a bit more natural, don't make characters declare facts like they're reading from their universes' wiki page. The old sage character is better because he does it in more of an advice manner. Seems like he's going to start to tell a story which is a better way, try to make the girl a bit less specific she's talking to someone who supposedly knows this stuff so make it more in universe relevant, if that makes sense. Can have her snarky but not every line, make her more inquisitive while still thinking she knows it all.

I've only worked in film but I am also trying to transition into TV myself so good luck and will try to help as much as I can. It's great to think big but showing some budget consciousness counts for a lot too (at least outside the main studio scene), can then scale a project up or down if needed and adjust your pitch accordingly.

[Ahriman238]

I agree the dialogue, particularly the exposition, could use some work. There are some cool visuals, which are always good to have in a TV script (particularly for a pilot that has to set up the scenario while being eye-catching) so great job there. Just be careful not to get distracted with visual fluff.

It would also be helpful to know more aobut the show you want to do. Is this story going to be about the old man and the kid, the war they're clearly about to flashback to, or will it be running scenes of the war and post-war world, showing parallels and divergences?

Other than that, not a lot to say about this part, this is just one scene with great visuals, atmosphere, and timing, and somewhat clunky dialogue. Other than good luck, of course. We all want more quality sci-fi tv.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Need more info, like you plan to shoot this live action? I ask because the renderings are extremely bloomy or whatever you want to call that GI effect, not sure how you can transfer that look to live action without a great compositor and cost. For the area demo I'd try to add some composite shots of how this 3D will look with the live action or at least some matte painting backgrounds.

Live action. Those 3D models were made for the comic book the pilot is based on. They need to be re-textured photo realistic (with light and spectacularity reference from location), and rendered against a live action environment rather than the digital background and terrain they have now.

For cost advice or practicality I would go the Babylon 5 style route, have these pretty establishing shots but most of the action happens inside these buildings, does Alaska have any fully built studios/sound stages? With elaborate 3D sets it will be really hard to do outside shots like at that second castle looking place, might be able to do balcony shots like in Stargate Atlantis.

Love B5. I have access to sound stages and blue screens, but I'll use them as little as possible, if at all. I plan to shoot almost entirely in the wilderness, often without camera motion so I can use digital matte paintings. I also plan to record reference sound only, and replace it with ADR and foley in post. Should make our time in the field much smoother and easier if we only have to worry about video and not audio.

As for the script, try to make the exposition a bit more natural, don't make characters declare facts like they're reading from their universes' wiki page. The old sage character is better because he does it in more of an advice manner. Seems like he's going to start to tell a story which is a better way, try to make the girl a bit less specific she's talking to someone who supposedly knows this stuff so make it more in universe relevant, if that makes sense. Can have her snarky but not every line, make her more inquisitive while still thinking she knows it all.

The exposition kills me, as I have an overtly convoluted story, and need to tread the line between confusing my audience and talking down to them.

I've only worked in film but I am also trying to transition into TV myself so good luck and will try to help as much as I can. It's great to think big but showing some budget consciousness counts for a lot too (at least outside the main studio scene), can then scale a project up or down if needed and adjust your pitch accordingly.

I'm really only planning on having to pay for costume materials, props, equipment, and travel. I hope to raise at least $20,000.

I agree the dialogue, particularly the exposition, could use some work. There are some cool visuals, which are always good to have in a TV script (particularly for a pilot that has to set up the scenario while being eye-catching) so great job there. Just be careful not to get distracted with visual fluff.

The next scene contains a massive amount of backstory, and I'm rather worried about it being cliche, as well as just plain boring. I'll post it soon. Visual fluff is kind of my thing, but I do want the story to stand on it's own.

It would also be helpful to know more aobut the show you want to do. Is this story going to be about the old man and the kid, the war they're clearly about to flashback to, or will it be running scenes of the war and post-war world, showing parallels and divergences?

I've stolen the Fred Savage/Columbo device from Princess Bride. 95% of the story takes place in their past.

Other than that, not a lot to say about this part, this is just one scene with great visuals, atmosphere, and timing, and somewhat clunky dialogue. Other than good luck, of course. We all want more quality sci-fi tv.

Thanks I really appreciate the input thus far.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Huge exposition dump in this next scene. I need help removing anything unnecessary and rephrasing things so they sound more natural. As I continue to move on, please feel free to comment on anything prior as well as the most recently posted scene. It all needs work.

-

EXT. SPACE - FLASHBACK
A ruddy star flares brilliantly through the haze of a vibrant nebula.
The system has one small turquoise planet. The world’s two moons spin around it like the hands of a clock.

LERAINT (V.O.)
Our sun is unique. Its light effects probability, tilting the scales from impossible to improbable, from unlikely, to achievable. The Ancients harnessed this power to create the Great Gates, and gathered all the younger races of the galaxy together.

Individual stars shine brightly one by one to indicate each homeworld.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Humans came from a world called Earth. For a time we traveled freely to and from our home, but when we began to advance technologically the Ancients sealed the gate to preserve our culture.

The yellow star indicating Earth fades and disappears.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
As the Ancients dwindled the planet’s rotation began to slow. Days and nights stretched on for years, and when the last of the Ancients died the world stopped turning entirely, divided forevermore between light and darkness.

Climate change. All cloud cover moves to the border.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
On the Dayside forests burned and rivers boiled. We were only able to survive by studying the magic of the Ancients, and the more we learned, the more we prospered. Other races retreated toward the border or moved underground, but Men built a great civilization under the sun.

CLOSE UP:
A patch of clouds re-appears at the center of the Dayside, followed by a small point of green.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
On the Nightside forests withered and oceans froze. None survived, and we came to think of it as the “underside” of the world.

The moons slow to a stop. The star indicating Earth flares again, birthing a blue comet, then fading away. The comet approaches in the shadow of the planet.

LERAINT (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Back on Earth, tales of this world had faded into myth. Earth’s humans developed technology as powerful as any magic, and built massive vessels that could carry them between the stars.

Closer, we see that the comet is actually a damaged spaceship. It corkscrews through the nebula trailing blue flame and debris. Radio chatter becomes audible as it passes. We hear panicked jargon, screaming, and then the calm commanding voice of CAPTAIN ELIAS.

CAPTAIN ELIAS (RADIO)
All hands, this is the Captain. Secure the prisoners and brace for impact.

LERAINT (V.O.)
One such vessel came to our world by chance, a “seed ship” intended to establish a penal colony on some distant world.

ALYSSA (V.O.)
It was a moon in the Mobius constellation. I already know all this.

LERAINT (V.O.)
What?

ALYSSA (V.O.)
I already know all this. The ship crashed on the Nightside. They made the Convicts build a prison city but then half of them escaped and built their own city in the Geyser Fields. Captain Elias says that when he was alive-

LERAINT (V.O.)
The “Captain” says all manner of ignorant things. Am I telling this story or is he?

ALYSSA (V.O.)
You are sir.

LERAINT (V.O.)
Quite so! No more interruptions. Now let’s see... Since you think yourself so well versed in history I’ll skip ahead...

Time accelerates again, the moons whoosh by faster and faster.

LERAINT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Yes... far ahead... to the Dayside... just before your parents met.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I'll wait at least a few days to post the next scene. These two^ just go together.

[Lord Relvenous]

Love the work, Fuzzy, as always! The design styles are very distinct and have great lines. It's definitely an awesome return to "pretty" sci-fi that just ignores all the GRIMDARK that has seeped in recently. The exposition isn't bad, and I'm sure with proper visuals accompanying it, it would feel natural in the episode.

I look forward to seeing more. Good luck with the project!

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Thanks m'lord Glad you like the style I wanted to do something sleek, advanced, and vaguely reminiscent of law enforcement.

For the Dayside culture I've adopted a lot of Celtic motifs, as well as incorporating architectural styles and themes I photographed while in France, Germany, The Netherlands, and the Czech Republic.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

EXT. OASIS - ESTABLISHING - DAY

The sun pours down on a lush green river valley surrounded by
a bleak desert.

Castles float through the sky on slabs of stone.

Riders mounted on winged serpents fly toward the largest
castle, which sits at the center of the oasis. Unlike the
others it no longer floats, and is supported by thick
columns. A bustling medieval city sprawls out around it.

Closer, we see a large garden at the center of the castle.
The garden is laid out like a mass transit center. People
from all walks of life file through the maze of pathways.
Each leads to a different stone platform marked by a unique
flag or crest. The platforms are guarded, and the garden is
surrounded by archers.

A portal opens above one of the platforms and a traveler
steps through and presents a scroll for the guards to
inspect.

ERON runs through the garden. He is a young man clad in light
leather armor and armed with bow and sword. He catches up to
two brawny warriors.

ERON
Arden! I'm coming with you!

ARDEN looks like Eron but is older and broader in the chest
and shoulders. He wears thick leather armor. His companion
BRONAL is tall and burly. He carries a jug in one hand and
has a huge sword slung across his back.

ARDEN
We don't have provisions for three.

ERON
I can hunt for food.

ARDEN
What do you expect to be able to
track in the borderlands?

ERON
Whatever there is. I can fish too.

ARDEN
You haven't got a pole.

ERON
I know the words.

ARDEN
(laughs)
Come along then. How did you talk
father into it?

ERON
The law reads "any citizen of a
member race is allowed to travel
through an active gate provided
they have family on the other
side."

ARDEN
Though this one hasn't been active
in living memory.

ERON
He'd just signed the law. He
couldn't very well argue against it
in the same session.

ARDEN
I take it I'm the family you have
on the other side?

ERON
As long as you go through first.
Pretty clever huh? How long will we
be gone?

BRONAL
We'll walk the old trails 'till
first moonfall then head back. If
they want to show themselves they
will.

ERON
What are they like?

BRONAL
The Sylph are an old race. They've
been on this world far longer than
humans.

ARDEN
-Though you'll probably consider
them uncivilized. You sure you're
ready for this?

ERON
Don't worry about me. I can handle
myself in a fight.

ARDEN
There won't be a fight if we don't
provoke them Eron. We just want to
offer them a seat at the table. If
they refuse we'll come home and
reseal the gate for another age.

ERON
Then why are you two armed and
armored?

ARDEN
Remember what Father said?

ERON
(pause)
Optimism is the best offense, but
pessimism is the best defense.

ARDEN
You're paying attention. I'll grant
you that.

They arrive at a stone platform overgrown with weeds and
vines.

A younger Leraint awaits them, as well as GERATH who wears a
crown and gilded scabbard.

GERATH
I didn't think you were going Eron.

ERON
I guess you were wrong.

GERATH
I envy your freedom. Those of us
with responsibilities don't get to
take holidays.

He turns to Arden.

GERATH (CONT'D)
When you return I'll expect this
back immediately.

Gerath unbuckles his scabbard and hands the sword to Arden
with destain, then struts out of ear shot.

BRONAL
I really do not like that man.
You'd be ten times the king Gerath
will.

LERAINT
I cannot disagree. Your voice at
the table will be missed Arden.

ARDEN
You will speak for me 'till I
return Leraint. I've spoken to
Father about it.

LERAINT
Still, hurry back. I have a notion
that Gerath means to take advantage
of your absence.

They embrace. Leraint shakes wrists with Eron and Bronal.
Arden draws the ancient sword, holds the blade above the
center of the platform and speaks three strange words. A
portal opens and they step through.

[Ahriman238]

Looking good overall. I really liked the visuals as Leraint starts to explain everything. Your dialogue, particularly after the prince or whatever shows up, is still a bit clumsy.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I have a hard time with dialogue. I've put a lot of work into giving each character as distinct voice, but they still aren't there yet, and so much of what they say is overt exposition, yet I don't want them to just blather on.

[aussiemuscle308]

have you watched any of the Hidden frontier series? they make extensive use of the green screen. yucky, but it keeps costs way down. (they get better as the series went on, making better use of it and hiding the green outline around characters).
to help with the dialogue, try getting some friends to do a reading. you'll quickly get an idea what works and what needs polishing.

You've certainly done a lot of work on your show, which is quite encouraging.

[Lord Revan]

I have a hard time with dialogue. I've put a lot of work into giving each character as distinct voice, but they still aren't there yet, and so much of what they say is overt exposition, yet I don't want them to just blather on.

one possibility would to have a child or otherwise "outsider" character to whom you can tell the exposition freely without it making your characters look stupid for having to be told things they should for all intents and purposes know.

[Knife]

Is the story the flashbacks, or is the story the present? If the story is the present, use the flashbacks to your advantage. People are usually forgiving with flashbacks doing info dumps about universe set up and character back stories. Also, it would help if you told us the main story you're trying to tell? At least an analogy, is it King Aurthor arch type, are you setting up a Romeo/Juliet damn them all? Anyway, pretty cool dude. Very ambitious.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I'll have a look at "Hidden frontier."

I've stolen the Fred Savage/Columbo device from Princess Bride. 95% of the story takes place before Alyssa was born.

It is something of a Romeo and Juliet story, but only on the surface.

Thanks for the input, and the encouragement. I'll put the next scene up soon.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Eventually I'll also have juxtaposed "fish out of water" stories which will make exposition and description more natural, but I really need to establish some things before then.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

I've decided to move the introduction of the Nightside civilization up to the next scene. (It used to about half way through) I need to conceive and write this scene from scratch, so it will be very, very rough and I'll need lots of help.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Okay, I think I have a good start on the first draft of next scene.

-

EXT. LANDFALL CITY - ESTABLISHING

Elegant but unfinished. The ribs of the mighty colony ship's
hull still surround the small city. Large floating airships
hover high above, with a swarm of flying vehicles below. The
WARDEN'S ESTATE towers over the nearby tenements.



INT. WARDEN'S ESTATE

PARIK, a young man in an armored uniform, stands on the
landing of a staircase. He looks out a tall window toward the
skyscrapers at the city's center.

Soldiers stand at attention in every corner, and a servant
attends a dining area below.

PARIK
Trustee? Bring two hot waters up to
the Warden's study.

The servant complies silently. Reaching the landing he
follows Parik to the top level. They stop at a security door,
and he hands Parik the two glasses without making eye
contact.

PARIK (CONT'D)
Take my bags to the transport, then
you're dismissed for sleep cycle.

He leaves. A security device scans Parik's eye, and a full
size hologram of Captain Elias springs to life. He wears a
navy cap and long pea coat.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Identity confirmed. Welcome Parik.

PARIK
Hello Captain. I didn't expect to
see you here.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
Kalea requested my expertise. I
must say I disapprove of her plan.

PARIK
Which is why I didn't expect to see
you.

The enter the room together.



INT. WARDEN'S STUDY

They enter an undecorated oval room with a bench at the
center. A young woman, KAYLEA, stands at a giant interactive
screen, working with a schematic of a sleek aircraft.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
-no substitute for experience. I
was still alive last time we
explored the borderlands.

KAYLEA
We're not exploring. It's a simple
turbulence test. I'm just going
where the wind is.

Parik sets her drink on the bench. Kaylea does not look away
from her work.

PARIK
Is this bench real wood?

KAYLEA
From the arboretum. They were just
going to recycle it.

PARIK
Kaylea... If we run into convicts-

KAYLEA
-Cons keep clear of the border.
Scared of the natives.

PARIK
And you aren't?

KAYLEA
I don't believe in fairy tales
anymore little brother. Do you?

CAPTAIN ELIAS
I assure you Kaylea, the natives
are very real. The first time we
tried to cross over we lost more
men to them than we did to the
storm.

KAYLEA
We're not crossing over, and
they've never been reported on our
side of the border. I don't want to
hear any more about invisible
aliens. Keep telling me about the
atmosphere.

She brings up a map which shows their location, with the
Convict city on one side, and the border on the other. The
image then pivots, giving them a cutaway of the atmosphere
along the mountains.

CAPTAIN ELIAS
The wind here is unpredictable.
Especially higher up.

KAYLEA
I'll stay low. What about daylight?
Can you see it from our side?

CAPTAIN ELIAS
You cannot see the sun, but you can
see a bit of it's light. Does that
effect your calculations?

PARIK
Haven't you sent that to
fabrication yet? The transport is
standing by.

KAYLEA
I'm almost done.

PARIK
Okay. I'm gonna go brief my squad
leaders... Why aren't we taking an
airship?

KAYLEA
The Cons won't notice a single
transport. Tell the pilot he'll be
dropping us off and patrolling
until we call for him.

He empties his glass. She turns to face him.

KAYLEA (CONT'D)
Thank you.

PARIK
Don't thank me. I still think this
is a mistake.

KAYLEA
Thank you for the water.

She turns back and continues working.

PARIK
Any time little sister.

He leaves.

[Knife]

Pretty cool. I would suggest if you're having trouble getting backstory in with the 'past' characters, have the 'present' characters refine or define them. Sounds to me that Alyssa can ask some questions to clarify from Leraint. Or Leraint can 'accidently' get more technical and detailed on an issue and perhaps get scolded from Alyssa, to keep it more natural as dialogue goes.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Right now I have Alyssa's story book-ending that of her parents. I do have a good place to bring them back in the middle. Do you think that's a good idea?

"She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time"

-Columbo

[Knife]

Well, you were worried about back story, The Princess Bride really uses Columbo and Freddie more as a dramatic pause in the action of the movie than as a device to establish 'back story'. I know they do an info dump at the start, but I don't think you want to do that, rather, have it slowly leak out over time... or perhaps I was just assuming.

[Fuzzy_Modem]

Wrote it and added it. You'll see it eventually. Any thoughts on the scene above? Anything redundant, awkward or unnecessary? Do you feel like you have a sense of the location?

[Fuzzy_Modem]

The Princess Bride doesn't use the device for exposition-

[edit]
Maybe foreshadowing though

"Has it got any sports in it?" "Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Poison. True love. Hate...."

-but it does use it to help bolster our connection with the characters, through Kevin Arnold's connection with the characters. That's the other side of what I'm trying to accomplish.

"Well, maybe I was a little bit... concerned, but that's not the same thing"

-Kevin Arnold