Favorite Buffy Quotes

[Setzer]

Here are a few of mine. Well, actually, all of mine.

We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved.
-- Principal Flutie

Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
-- Giles

I’m just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.
Xander, after being turned down by two women in one day.

As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will
attest, I did not let her go!
-- Giles, after being punched by Buffy

Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.

No ’F’ for Xander today. No, this baby’s my ticket to a sweet D-minus.
--Xander, on his history paper

Cavalry’s here. Cavalry’s a frightened guy with a rock, but it’s here.
-- Xander

She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know?
Some little sign that she cared?
--Spike, on Drusilla leaving him

For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction
and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe.
And now I’m stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I’m flunking math.
--Anya, Guardian of Scorned Women

To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice, with pie.
-- Anya, on Thanksgiving

You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land.
That’s what conquering nations do. It’s what Caesar did, and he’s not going around saying, "I came, I conquered,
I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn’t people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.
-- Spike, on the Indians

Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated.
-- Spike, on Xander's Job

I really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town.
It’s the "stay and gloat" that gets me every time.
-- Ethan Rayne

I wasn’t exactly pining for a noisy visit from’wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens’.
-- Spike, in Jonathan's dream

What good are weapons against disembodied spirits, Xander? They have no ass to kick.
-- Anya

Where is he?? Where’s the creep that turned me into his spidereating man-bitch?
-- Xander, on Dracula

Dammit! You know what? I’m sick of this crap.
I’m sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis.
As of this moment, it’s over. I’m finished being everybody’s butt-monkey!
-- Xander

Harmony: We’re gonna kill the slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one,
or at least get your own tune.

Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader,
you were bad. When you tried to chair the
homecoming committee, you were really bad. But
when you try to be bad. . . you suck.
-- Buffy

I do have Spaghetti-O’s. Set ’em on top of the dryer
and you’re a fluff cycle away from lukewarmgoodness.
-- Xander, offering food to his guests

Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most
valuable Chinese import.
-- Xander

A demon has taken my
life from me, and he’s living it better than I do.
-- Xander

Anya wraps up a woman’s purchase and hands it to
her.
Anya to woman Please go.
The woman walks away, shaking her head.
Xander Anya, the Shopkeeper’s Union of America
called. They wanted me to tell you that "‘please go"’
just got replaced with "‘have a nice day"’.
Anya But I have their money. Who cares what kind
of day they have?
Xander No one. It’s just a long cultural tradition of
raging insincerity. Embrace it.
Anya calls out to her customer.
Anya Hey, you! Have a nice day.
Xander There’s my girl!

Now, let’s see what I have in this sack of
mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner
and younger and female and, well, Jewish.
-- Willow

Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a
sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of. . .
-- Xander, on Anya bathing him

Yeah, I could do that, but I’m paralyzed with
not caring very much.
--Spike, on fighting

The more I get to
know you, the more I wish I didn’t.
-- Buffy, on Spike

Those darn Salem judges. With their less satanic-
than-thou attitude.
-- Willow

Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
--Willow

Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is... ask for help when you need it.
-- Giles

If at first you don't succeed... cheat!
--Buffy

Kennedy: How's evil taste?
Willow: A little chalky.

We're all on death's door repeatedly ringing the doorbell like maniacal girl scouts trying to make quota.
-- Anya

[Demiurge]

Now, let’s see what I have in this sack of
mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner
and younger and female and, well, Jewish.
-- Willow

Buffy: "Homework? Unh. I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore."

Xander: "I suspect she's afraid I'll start having the sex."

Willow: "It's horrible! That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil and... skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."

Mayor: "Of course I am. No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a
fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are
immoral liaisons going on there."
Faith: "Yeah, plus all the screwing."

Faith: "Thanks, sugar daddy."
Mayor: "Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend."

[Crazedwraith]

"I'm here to kill you not to Judge you" season 7 vamp from "conversations with dead people"

[Demiurge]

Buffy: "You could never hope to grasp the source of our power."

(rips out Adam's power core)

Buffy: "But yours is right here."

[Crazedwraith]

XANDER: And what have we learned about beer?
BUFFY: Foamy.

[Shortie]

Anya (on Spike): "Xander, I think you may have hurt his feelings."
Xander: "And you should never hurt the feelings of a brutal killer. ... You know, that's, uh, that's actually some pretty good advice."

Willow: "Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and... slithered away to do badness."
Giles: "In all fairness, we don't really know about the slithered part."
Anya: "Oh, no. I'm sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb."

Xander: "I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster."
Giles: "Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space." [Pause] "I did not say that."

Xander: "Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?"
Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon."
Xander: "Why, can he hurt me?"
Giles: "No. It's just... tacky."

Giles: "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead. Americans."

Oz (over the telephone): "Aunt Maureen, is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh? And how long has that been going on? No, no reason. Thanks. Love to uncle Ken."

Spike: "Are we feeling better, then?"
Dru: "I'm naming all the stars."
Spike: "You can't see the stars, love, that's the ceiling. Also, it's day."
Dru: "I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion."

Giles: "I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."
Jenny: "Is this normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime?"

Snyder: "There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."
Giles: "Actually, that would be one of the five."

Snyder: "There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking."

Snyder: "That's the kind of woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to getting eaten."

Snyder: "What are you, ghouls? There are no dead students here." (quietly) "This week."

Giles (on Xander): "It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him."

[Crazedwraith]

Giles: "I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."
Jenny: "Is this normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime?"

It's funny becuase its true.
Did you get thoose from the watcher's guides? or do you just have a good memory?

[Shortie]

Picked them up around the place. Notice that the Englishmen get the best lines.

[Setzer]

Really? I thought Xander had most of the quote worthy stuff.
Course, this is just from a once over.

[General Zod]

Buffy: five words or less. explain yourself.

Spike, holding his nose: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.

[justifier]

Buffy: five words or less. explain yourself.

Spike, holding his nose: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.

Loved that, he wasn't holding his nose though, he was counting the words with his fingers

[General Zod]

ah, been awhile since i saw the episode. i thought she pounded him first or something.

[Durandal]

He throws the "bitch" in there after he realizes that he has one word left. Spike's probably one of the most quotable characters on the show.

Here are some of my favorites.

ANGEL: Spike, I'm having a meeting.
SPIKE: Oh, sorry, I don't care.
(Angel, Season 5).

SPIKE: Got any messages for Buffy?
ANGEL: Tell her you're a moron.
(Angel, Season 5).

SPIKE: Oh, poor Watcher, did your life flash before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea?

As Spike is looking down on Angel after he's saved a woman from a vampire, dubbing over what the two are saying.

SPIKE [RACHEL voice]: How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad hunk of a night-thing?
SPIKE [ANGEL voice]: No need, little lady, your tears of grattitude are enough for me. You see I was once a badass vampire, but love and a pesky curse defanged me.
[RACHEL reaches for ANGEL] No, not the hair! Never the hair!
SPIKE [RACHEL voice]: But there must be some way I can show my appreciation.
SPIKE [ANGEL voice]: No, helping those in need's my job and working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
SPIKE [RACHEL voice]: I understand. I have a nephew who is gay, so ...
SPIKE [ANGEL voice]: Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly, to the Angel-mobile, away!
(Angel, Season 1)

SPIKE [holding a Boba Fett model]: Examine my chip or Mr Fett here is the first to die.

SPIKE: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.

XANDER: Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair ... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
SPIKE: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But ... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [SPIKE walks off]

BUFFY (in FAITH's body): And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but ... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
GILES: Actually, I beg you to stop.
BUFFY (FAITH): What's a stevedore?

BUFFY (in FAITH's body): Stop inching. You were inching!
GILES: Look, I know what you're going to say, and, and...
BUFFY (FAITH): I'm Buffy.
GILES: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.

[Keevan_Colton]

[quote="Durandal"][/quote]

Its spelled Poof not Puff btw.
He is meant to be a brit after all

[Durandal]

Its spelled Poof not Puff btw.
He is meant to be a brit after all

I just copied and pasted it from somewhere. Not my fault.

[Cej4096]

Anya: Giles is blind?

(Xander walks over to Giles and starts waving his fingers in front of Giles' face)

Giles: Please stop whatever you're doing. You smell like fruit roll-ups.

Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am *deeply* ashamed.

[Crown]

Season 4, This Year's Girl

Xander: (lowering the blaster) Spike.

Giles: What are you doing here?

Spike: Me? I'm not the one out of place here.

Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. (turns the blaster off) Real psycho-killer, too.

Spike: (concerned) Sounds serious.

Giles: It is. What do you know?

Spike: (helpfully) What do you need?

Xander: Her. Dark hair, yea tall. Name of Faith. Criminally insane.

Giles: Have you seen her?

Spike: Is this bird after you?

Xander: In a bad way. Yeah.

Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. Head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. (he grins)

Giles and Xander just stare at him, speechless. Spike rolls his eyes and sighs.

Spike: Can anyone of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I HATE you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening'd be dull.

He starts his way out of the alley, deliberately bumping into Xander's shoulder as he walks past them and takes a long drag on his cigarette.

Xander: (calling after him) Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her!

Spike: (faces them, still walking backwards) Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. (turns around) I like this girl already.

They just stare after him as he walks off. They look at each other.

Xander: We're dumb.

[Agent R]

"You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked."
--evil Willow to Buffy

Well, she said something to that effect. I might have left out or added a word or two.

"I'd like to test that theory."
--Giles, after knocking out evil Willow

There are a bunch of lines I like, but can't remeber exactly, like what the mayor says just before he gets blown up and Buffy's response when the Master tells her she's dead (back in season one)?

Bad guys and Brits and heroes always get the really juicy lines.

[Vympel]

I think the preferential Australian term, poofter, is more funny than poof.

[Crown]

From Faith, Hope and Trick

After Snyder has been forced by the school board to re-admit Buffy into school;

Buffy: So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board *overruled* you. (Snyder faces her) Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.

Joyce: (gets up also) I think what my daughter's trying to say is... (sing-song) Nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah.

[Crown]

This *very* funny sequence was from the 4th Season Episode The Initiative it is rather lengthy, but still funny;

Spike : I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before. (He's sitting on Willow's bed.)

Willow : Maybe you were nervous.

Spike : I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. (He leaps on her and draws back immediatly. He tries again and the same thing happens.) Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it! (He gets up and kicks the dresser. He starts to pace around the room.)

Willow : Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?

Spike : Not to me, it doesn't!

Willow : It's me, isn't it?

Spike : What are you talking about?

Willow : Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around.

Spike : Piffle!

Willow : I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "ooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "oh, you're such a good friend."

Spike : Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.

Willow : Really?

Spike sits on her bed again.

Spike : Thought about it.

Willow : When?

Spike : Remember last year, you had on that... Fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?

Willow : I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.

Spike : Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!" Takes the mystery out.

Willow : But if you could...

Spike : If I could, yeah.

Willow : You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.

Spike : Don't patronize me.

******

Spike : I'm only 126.

Willow : You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? Or... (She picks up a lamp and smashes it over his head. She runs over to her door and tries to leave, but it's locked.)

I think it is rather obvious what they are paraphrasing here.

[Durandal]

Spike was easily one of the best characters on the show. You couldn't help but pity him for all the shit he took. I wasn't as fond of his character after he fell in love with Buffy, but it certainly added some needed depth to him. I didn't think it was as catastrophic as other people seemed to.

Though I think he's back to his original glory on Angel, now that he's not chasing Buffy around anymore.

Now for some more funny quotes.

SPIKE: It seems to me that "preparing" looks a great bit like sitting on your ass. When are we going to destroy the world, already?

BUFFY: You had sex with Giles?! You had sex with Giles?!
JOYCE: It was the candy. We were teenagers.
BUFFY: On the hood of a police car?!
JOYCE: I’ll be downstairs. You feel better.
BUFFY: Twice?!

GILES: Feel up to some training?
BUFFY: Sure, we could work-out after school, you know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother.
[GILES walks into a tree.]

OZ: It was intense.
XANDER: Yeah, for a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression.
OZ: Well, I felt one coming on, I won’t lie.

[Gandalf]

I think the villains tended to have the bast quotes, mostly becasue most are just cool with their evil.

(Angelus hands Drusilla a human heart)
Drusilla: "Oh, Angel, it's still warm."
Angelus: "I knew you'd like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl."

Angel: "Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards."
Spike: "Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression."
Angel: "Lacks...poetry."
Spike: "It doesn't have to. What rhymes with 'lungs'?"

Spike: "No tricks?"
Adam: "Scout's honor."
Spike: "You were a boy scout?"
Adam: "Parts of me."

Adam: "You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity. unable to actualize the feelings within. Clinging to one truth, like a flame, struggling to burn within an enclosed glass: that a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably, it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again, make you savage."
Spike: "Wow. I get why all the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins. If he was a big, scary, Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins."

Warren: Wha-what the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan: Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numbnuts!
Andrew: For your information I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi...
Jonathan: That's a flawed design!
Warren: Hey! O.k., thing is: Since we're messing with the Slayer who could pummel the three of us into a sludgy substance, it might be a good idea to *not* draw attention to ourselves!

This is all I can post now, more later.

[Crown]

God for the life of me, I can't remember which episode this was;

Run-of-the-mill-alley-Vampire: Slayer! (to Buffy)

Buffy: Slay-ee! (to Vamp)