Normally, I do not conduct book reviews on my blog – mostly because (though I do enjoy reading) I find literature to be on my mind less than food or sex. However, since the wildly popular “50 Shades of Grey” consists almost exclusively of explicit trips to pound town, I thought I could make an exception.
I more than appreciate the kind of literature you’d be embarrassed to read in public. Hell, sometimes, I am the one writing that literature on a public blog. But in my opinion, “5o Shades” hardly classifies as literature. Judging solely on the quality of writing, I’d say at best it could be the star of a fifth-grade reading level library shelf. In a very kinky, sexually active elementary school that I genuinely hope does not exist.
Let there be no mistaking, the book could turn your dead grandmother on. There’s no touching the sensual, erotic vibe it conveys. And on a lot of levels, I enjoyed reading it. Nevertheless,its unimaginative vocabulary and unrealistic portrayal of how many times a woman can orgasm during sex have me a little up in arms. I can only conclude that while she was writing, author E L James replaced her thesaurus with a sure-fire pair of vibrating underpants.
So with great jealousy and sexual frustration, I present my 50 grievances.
1. Who in the fuck a) has an “inner goddess” and b) has existential discussions with it? This is not a Venus razor commercial, Anastasia. Refrain from
unleashing the goddess in you. She fucking sucks.
2. It’s also great to know that you have a subconscious, which is separate and distinct from your “inner goddess,” yet just as fucking annoying. I’m glad you once pointed out that they were glaring at each other, because for a while, I thought they were the same imaginary friend.
3. I’m not sure which of these imaginary friends started the trend of “hugging themselves with glee,” but if they do that one more time, I will be hugging this book straight into the garbage.
4. So Anastasia… you’re a virgin. And you don’t masturbate. And you came multiple times during your first sexual encounter…do you see where you lost me, there?
5. Oh, sure! Just ignore my question and keep coming. Come seventeen times in one fucking hour. It’s cool. And totally realistic. I can definitely relate.
6. What’s that? You came in your sleep, too? Great! I hate you much less now.
7. Oh my god! He sucked your boob, and look at that! You came again. Good for you. Really fucking good for you.
8. Okay, so now you’re coming at the smell of leather, the sound of his voice, and probably at distant thoughts of what you’re going to eat for lunch. Has anyone told you this is abnormal? Like, seriously. You probably have typhoid or something.
9. My blog traffic has recently been driven by Google searches for “depression after reading 50 shades of grey.” Presumably, these are women who cannot come in their sleep, either.
10. Also, Ana baby, you’re on the fast track to a UTI. Drink some cranberry juice, girlfriend.
11. Looking at your sex life, it’s good that you saved yourself for someone special, Ana. I was worried you’d lose your virginity to a shady billionaire who could be easily confused for a sadistic rapist. Oh, wait…
12. Come on, bitch. Don’t you know that billionaires make the best murderers? Tell your fucking friend where you’re going! God, I feel like I’m reading a Goosebumps novel half the time, only the protagonist is dumber.
13. On that note – Christian, how in the hell are you tracking Ana’s phone? What, did you enable Google latitude behind her back or something? That’s not sweet, it’s just fucking creepy.
14. Speaking of you being a total whack job – it was so unexpected that you’re turned on by pigtails, Christian! I hear that you’re also turned on by underage girls. Good thing Ana has both going for her. This relationship seems healthy.
15. It’s also creepy to threaten her friend for trying to kiss her, while you are trying to beat her with blunt objects and call it sexy. Hypocrite much?
16. “Laters, baby” is not a thing. Stop trying to make laters, baby happen. It’s not going to happen.
17. My last boyfriend of two weeks also bought me an Audi for graduation. I hear it’s a completely normal thing to do. Not like paying for your virginity or anything.
18. Neither is buying you a computer, a wardrobe, or a upgrading you to first class. These purchases are completely unrelated to your vagina.
19. Speaking of which, how did you get through college without a computer?
20. Now that you have one, I’m glad you both put so much thought into the subject lines of your emails. These days, most people underestimate the importance of subject lines.
21. Also glad that you change the subject line instead of using this new-fangled technology we call “reply.”
22. And Christian, please stop adjusting your email signature. “CEO & Eye roller” is not as funny as you think it is.
23. Also, responding to emails instantaneously is just too fucking desperate. It appears you have never read the blog I wrote on rules for texting.
24. But all in all, it’s really just so sweet that you use email. So much more romantic and exciting. I hope my next boyfriend emails me more.
25. Now let’s switch gears. Time to talk diction. Now I know you’re new at this, but it’s called a vagina. Vuh-jye-nuh. It’s a word that can sometimes be used as a synonym for that term you’re so fond of – “my sex.”
26. Speaking of which, there is a whole internet full of words that mean “penis.” Please go find some less creepy than “his length.”
27. Ana, your sex talk reminds me of how a five-year-old acts in the American Girl store. Holy Cow! Jeez! Oh, my!
28. And okay, I know you are very proud of yourself for the phrase “postcoital glow.” It’s a great little descriptor…. whose use should not exceed ten times on one page. Make that a rule.
29. Ana, frankly I am relieved that you repeatedly describe Christian as “just so… hot.” I was beginning to worry that you had a vocabulary. Good thing we’re clear that you don’t.
30. But enough vocabulary talk. About this sex…. Christian, if you must tug on pubic hair, please just exclude that from the book. Nothing kills a buzz like the unshaven vagina of an average-looking virgin.
31. If all you had to do to get laid was bite your lip excessively, I would focus much less on hair and make-up.
32. Spankings are not fun. They’re just. not. fun. Don’t let this book fool you into thinking they are, because they are not.
33. No one is that good at blow jobs the first time around. Don’t give teenaged boys that much hope. Unless of course they are gay, in which case the hope is probably real.
34. Christian, I do not understand why you always insist on a condom. I mean, I know it’s safe, but come on. If you are only having sex with one sacrificial virgin girl who you hang from the ceiling and place under strict contraception and STD supervision. I’d be more worried about the circulation of blood to her arms than accidental pregnancy.
35. If you have been duped by this book into thinking that rolling your eyes at a man gives him an erection, you are about to get a very un-exciting surprise.
36. If you can feel what he is doing to your foot in your loins, you may want to have your nerve endings examined.
37. Period sex, followed by a bath together? A bloody bath? Ew. Just ew. I almost stopped reading.
38. “He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmically inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claiming me.” – Who in the fuck are you kidding with this? Men can hardly utter a sentence and play a video game at the same time. This kind of multi-tasking is way out of their league. We are certain Christian is not actually a woman?
39. Back to you, Ana. I’m sorry dear, but I would not be your friend. Let’s look at poor Kate, here. You’re fucking a billionaire who asked if he could buy you new clothes, yet you just steal her dresses instead? Rude.
40. You also imply that Kate is kind of a hussy. As you willingly sign a contract to have your lady garden watered eight times a day.
41. Plus, you are kind of a psycho bitch. You have little to no right to be angered by a middle-aged woman’s sexcapades with your man years ago. STFU and quit dwelling.
42. Kate, could you please just interject and tell us more about yourself? You seem a lot cooler/prettier/less boring than Anastasia. Plus your boyfriend seems way more normal, and I bet you come three times a day at most.
43. Concerning the ending of the book – I have not read the other two, but what the fuck?! All of that for nothing?! You just break up?? Much like this book’s range of diction, that ending blows.
44. As a side note to the author: stop trying to make the phrase “Fifty Shades” happen by repeating it awkwardly in the book as Christian’s nickname. Just because you say it fifty fucking times does not make it a better title.
45. And am I the only one who feels bad for your two teenaged sons? This book has placed a lot of pressure on men to satisfy women more frequently and thoroughly. For this, they can say “thanks, mom.”
46. Also, they now know that mommy likes to be tied up and fucked hard. Every kid’s favorite visual image.
47. And it’s not just them – now, every kid knows that mommy reads erotica. It disturbs me that a package deal of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and the children’s book “Go the Fuck to Sleep” would make a sensible Amazon bundle. In fact, I think I just got a new business idea to market this to mommy blog rings everywhere.
48. In summation, I think reading this book has made me a little weirder than I already was. I am suddenly tempted to draw up contracts for existing suitors. Hard limits: must not shave legs, take pictures, or refuse to spoon with me. Soft limits: breakfast would be nice.
49. I also have a lingering desire to try those damned weighted balls. Not all of us can buy those in order to be turned on while retrieving a glass from the cupboard, as much of a human right as that may be. Please stop making me want to spend my disposable income on them.
50. Worst of all, because of stupid Ana and her overly sensitive lady parts, I now have an overwhelming feeling that something is wrong with me. Thanks, bitch. I hope you fall off a fictional cliff.
FAN: Discuss various fictional worlds that don't qualify for SF.
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