The Literal Genie RAR

[Ahriman238]

One day you're relaxing on the beach and a bottle washes up almost in your lap. Being a naturally curious sort you pick it up and look it over. The bottle is corked and tightly sealed, enough so that you are unlikely to be able to open it right there and then. There is an inscription, not a language you know but you can read it anyways.

"This bottle is the prison of the terrible Djinn Aaghaa Aalam- He who wields powers that rightly belong only to God. If you are reading this, the bottle has not remained removed from the world of men forever as intended. This may be to your benefit, if you are a clever man you might gain 2 wishes from the spirit within. Beware! For Aaghaa Aalam is as cunning as he is powerful, and will surely interpret any wish you make so as to inflict the most suffering upon the world and you personally. I say 2 wishes, for if you do not use the traditional third wish to command him back into the bottle, he will be free to destroy the world for his amusement. Choose your wishes with care and wisdom and the world may be yours but, if you lack the confidence, hide this bottle from the eyes and greedy hearts of men as best your are able."

So one very hostile genie may or may not be yours to command. What will you do? Will you wish? What for? If not, or afterwards, what will you do with the bottle?

[Batman]

I either give the bottle to Clark to throw into the sun or to Doctor Fate and let him deal with it, the supernatural really isn't my beat.
If those aren't options, I try to find out as much as I can about the genie while I stash the unopened bottle in a really seriously secure unknown to anybody but me vault (so definitely not the one I kept the kryptonite in in Young Justice).

[phred]

I'm with the bat.
Even a small wish, like, enough cash to live comfortably on, could go seriously sideways without the right wording. I just don't have the patience to figure it out. And even if I did, I would probably mess it up in the delivery.
So, Genie... Welcome to one of my boxes of junk that I'm too lazy to sell or throw out.

[Panzersharkcat]

I get a lawyer to help me with wording my wishes, giving him/her a very generous cut of the money. After I'm done, I pay NASA to launch it into the sun.

[Jub]

How about something like this:

1) I wish for no harm to be directly or indirectly caused by this, or any further wishes you grant.
2) I wish for your great power without any limitations.
3) I wish that your power remain sealed away until time itself ends.

[FaxModem1]

Boom, you just caused the Genie to end time.

[Jub]

By the syntax of that wish his power would be sealed. I'd also think that ending time would cause harm under the terms of wish one, his actions being an indirect cause of harm based on one of my wishes.

[Carinthium]

It depends on how 'harm' is defined- a tricky concept.

----------------------
Realistically, if I believed this was real I would consult with a lawyer. However, taking my best shot at attempting to suceed I will try on the hypothetical that for some reason that's not an option and (since immortaliy is potentially in the bargain) I'm willing to take the risk..

1. I wish that you would interpret all wishes to best comply with my intentions rather than the literal meaning of the words I use.
2. I wish that all your power would be transferred from you to me in such a way that I can freely use it without your limitations.

The third wish is irrelevant(and technically impossible for him to grant now)- I can (as far as I can tell) now use the genie's power to do as I wish.

[Rossum]

1. I wish that you would interpret all wishes to best comply with my intentions rather than the literal meaning of the words I use.
2. I wish that all your power would be transferred from you to me in such a way that I can freely use it without your limitations.

The third wish is irrelevant(and technically impossible for him to grant now)- I can (as far as I can tell) now use the genie's power to do as I wish.

1. Since there is no true way for him to know your intentions by merely listening to the mundane words you speak and the limits of the english language, the genie telepathically enters your mind, allowing him to see and hear everything you think the moment you thing it. Your soul is an open book to him now.

2. You obviously intend to become a Djinn like Aaghaa Aalam, a being with the powers reserved for God and not limited by the petty morality of expendable mortals. Aaghaa Aalam alters your mind and soul, using your greed and ambition as raw materials to forge a new mind fit for a Djinn with his powers (and obviously loyal to himself and his ideals). He then transfers his powers to you is he is somehow required to do so as part of the wish (unless he just possesses you outright).


You are now a Djinn, nearly indistinguishable from Aaghaa Aalam himself and desire to destroy the world for your own amusement. As a sign of gratitude, you restore Aaghaa Aalam to his former status as a free Djinn if necessary. The world is forever changed as two omnipotent Djinns tear it apart for their amusement (that is, until Aaghaa Aalam betrays you or leaves for some other universe).


=====

Remember, the scientists working on the atomic bomb figured if there was even a 1 in 3 million chance that the bomb would ignite the atmosphere and destroy the earth, it would be better to just let the Nazis take over. They only tested it when they redid the calculations to show that it would not do so. I'd like to think I have half the caution as those scientists did.


At any rate, I lock the bottle away somewhere (possibly seal it in a box, then seal that in concrete with enough padding so that one could break the concrete without shattering the bottle). Researching his name and the language from the bottle using an internet connection some distance from my actual house (in case some secret organization is out there looking for this kinda stuff).

If possible, I contact Batman (or Superman, or some other superhero) and have them dispose of it. If Batman, I ask him for a million dollars (or some other reasonable finders fee) for my help in not screwing this up like a chump.

If Batman doesn't exist, pray to God (who is implied to exist in the warning) and keep the bottle sealed away while using the intervening years to brush up on legalese or knowledge of Djinn and magic. Alternately, keep it sealed in concrete and hide it somewhere nobody will look before killing myself. If I do get desperate and amoral enough to risk making a wish, go with something like immortality and the power to raise the dead before wishing him back into the bottle.

Like hell I'm getting a lawyer involved in this kinda stuff. The more people know about this, the more likely somebody with actual ambition will try using it and wind up getting the world blown up through a loophole.

[ryacko]

1. I wish for the genie to be a reformed do-gooder.
2. Ownership of the world's monetary supply.
Depending on how the previous wish goes, I will either order the genie back into the bottle and throw the bottle into a deep lake encased in cement, or request another wish.

[Carinthium]

Damn- didn't think of that.

(Although in my defence, having my mental state changed was contrary to my intention and the genie would realise that. In addition, I intended for him to lose his powers in the process when making the original post/wish.)

[Beowulf]

1. That the genie becomes benevolent.
2. 2000 lbs of gold coinage.
3. Genie goes back into the bottle until the black hole at the center of the galaxy naturally ceases to exist.

[Guardsman Bass]

We need some more ground rules. Otherwise, we could probably do what Beowulf said - wish for the genie to turn himself into a benevolent genie who can't harm anyone.

You might still be able to use the first two wishes for your benefit, provided that you were ultra- specific in the details of how you want it implemented. Maybe if you wrote out a twenty page contract outlining specifically what you want and don't want done, it might work - he'd have incredibly little flexibility to turn your wish towards harm.

[Formless]

We've been through variations of this before, but this time I think I would respond a little differently than the "Jesus Clause" (i.e. use the wishes altruistically so there is little difference if he martyrs myself with his powers). For starters, why would I trust that this entity will feel obligated to grant me wishes? How do I trust that the inscription wasn't written on the bottle by the djinn himself to trick some gullible asshat into releasing him? Obviously its magic, since I have no prior knowledge of Arabic but can apparently read this inscription, but for all I know even touching it will release Nyarlathotep upon the world. I think I'm just going to play it safe and seal the bottle in a cast made of solid nuclear waste so no one will be tempted.

[mr friendly guy]

What happens if the Genie fails to grant a wish? No seriously. What happens if we troll the genie and asked him to grant an impossible wish. For example

1. I wish you will not grant this wish.
2. I wish you will create a square circle (using current definitions of the word circle and square, so you can't just redefine the words with semantic whoring).
3. I wish to know what the square root of a negative number is without using imaginary numbers.

[Ahriman238]

What happens if the Genie fails to grant a wish? No seriously. What happens if we troll the genie and asked him to grant an impossible wish. For example

1. I wish you will not grant this wish.
2. I wish you will create a square circle (using current definitions of the word circle and square, so you can't just redefine the words with semantic whoring).
3. I wish to know what the square root of a negative number is without using imaginary numbers.

Can Zeus build a wall he couldn't jump over? I hadn't much considered it.

In the second case he hands you a square circle, try not to look at it too long or hard. Let's say for the others he tells you to stop dicking around and wish seriously.

[Jaepheth]

I always thought I might wish for items that could be used or not used depending on how they turn out.

Examples:

1. Wish for the One Ring as described in JRR Tolkien's works except that it have no corrupting influence and no will of its own.
2. Wish for the watch that stops time for all but the user as depicted in The Twilight Zone; except that the watch be indestructible and the user does not age while time is stopped (just for clarity).

You may also have to specify that no negative consequences occur as a result of your obtaining these items.

[Metahive]

Not a chance.

1. That the genie becomes benevolent.
2. 2000 lbs of gold coinage.
3. Genie goes back into the bottle until the black hole at the center of the galaxy naturally ceases to exist.

1.He kills you. "Life sucks, friend, I'm doing you a favor"
2.He drops the coins right on top of you. "Never told me where exactly to put them"
3.He takes you with him. "Never told me to go there all by myself, did ya'?"

1. I wish that you would interpret all wishes to best comply with my intentions rather than the literal meaning of the words I use.
2. I wish that all your power would be transferred from you to me in such a way that I can freely use it without your limitations.

1. He kills you painfully. "Well, that's how I best understood your intention"
2. He does so and then also gives you all the self-awareness of an amoeba. "Well, I'm certainly not limited like an amoeba"

1) I wish for no harm to be directly or indirectly caused by this, or any further wishes you grant.
2) I wish for your great power without any limitations.
3) I wish that your power remain sealed away until time itself ends.

1.Every time he fucks you over he also writes "no harm" on something
2.He puts a star inside of you. "Well, can't even stomach the limited power of a star, how are you going to deal with unlimited one? O yeah *no harm*"
3.He says time and at the end of the word kills you "Time...*smash*..."no harm""

1. Wish for the One Ring as described in JRR Tolkien's works except that it have no corrupting influence and no will of its own.
2. Wish for the watch that stops time for all but the user as depicted in The Twilight Zone; except that the watch be indestructible and the user does not age while time is stopped (just for clarity).

1. He gives you a slightly altered version of the book by JRR Tolkien where the Ring is now safe to use. "Here's the One Ring as described by JRR Tolkien. Only the book now sucks"
2. Ditto

[Simon_Jester]

Metahive, I think you're missing the point of the exercise: the difference between a hostile but literal-minded being, and one who just makes up whatever horrible outcome he can imagine that is somehow a vaguely plausible twisted version of your words.

Then again, I tend to think "the genie has to interpret your wish" implies that the genie actually has to give you a recognizable version of what you asked for, just in a very unsatisfying or dangerous way.

[Metahive]

Metahive, I think you're missing the point of the exercise: the difference between a hostile but literal-minded being, and one who just makes up whatever horrible outcome he can imagine that is somehow a vaguely plausible twisted version of your words.

Then again, I tend to think "the genie has to interpret your wish" implies that the genie actually has to give you a recognizable version of what you asked for, just in a very unsatisfying or dangerous way.

Nope.

Beware! For Aaghaa Aalam is as cunning as he is powerful, and will surely interpret any wish you make so as to inflict the most suffering upon the world and you personally.

[Batman]

Not a chance.

1. That the genie becomes benevolent.
2. 2000 lbs of gold coinage.
3. Genie goes back into the bottle until the black hole at the center of the galaxy naturally ceases to exist.

1.He kills you. "Life sucks, friend, I'm doing you a favor"

Nope. The genie is still limited to the three wishes. Until and unless you ask him to do you a favour, he can't do beans. All that wish is does is forcing the Genie to to find solutions that look beneficial on the surface for the wishes you actually make. Which, at this point, is another two.

2.He drops the coins right on top of you. "Never told me where exactly to put them"

Heck he wouldn't even have to do that. I don't know about the US but around here, I suspect if I tried to cash in nearly 2 tons worth of gold coins that just happened to end up in my possession, I think the police might end up interested.

3.He takes you with him. "Never told me to go there all by myself, did ya'?"

I think that transgresses 'interpretation' rather severely.

1. I wish that you would interpret all wishes to best comply with my intentions rather than the literal meaning of the words I use.
2. I wish that all your power would be transferred from you to me in such a way that I can freely use it without your limitations.

1. He kills you painfully. "Well, that's how I best understood your intention"

[/quote]
No can do. The wish clearly states 'my intentions', not 'what you think my intentions are'.

1) I wish for no harm to be directly or indirectly caused by this, or any further wishes you grant.
2) I wish for your great power without any limitations.
3) I wish that your power remain sealed away until time itself ends.

1.Every time he fucks you over he also writes "no harm" on something

Again, no go. Writing 'no harm' does not negate any harm being done by him fulfilling this wish. 'The wish may cause no harm' means just that-no harm can be done.

2.He puts a star inside of you. "Well, can't even stomach the limited power of a star, how are you going to deal with unlimited one? O yeah *no harm*"

No can do once again. The transfer of power refers to the power of the Genie, not a star.

[Formless]

You're all gullible idiots. Even if Aaghaa Aalam does grant wishes as stated on the bottle, there is a notable lack of fine print stating that he is obliged to commission your wish within one business day or your money back. While you are waiting for him to get back to you, you have an evil deity on the loose that you let out of prison.

If by some strange coincidence a known Mafia Don sent you a letter from prison promising that if you helped him escape he would do you any favor he could think of, would you be so stupid as to take him at his word? Even if you totally had a plan to put him back in prison, you would be a moron to risk it.

[Simon_Jester]

Personally I'd rather leave him in the bottle too. My main complaint is with people who think "he kills you" is a valid way to 'interpret' a wish that "you do me nothing but good according to my own intentions." That's not him interpreting your wish to cause maximum harm. That's him erasing your wish and scribbling in his own ideas.

[Spekio]

Okay, so we have two wishes, right? Let me Borrow from the Open Source Wish Project:

Immortality:

”I wish to live in the locations of my choice, in a physically healthy, uninjured, and apparently normal version of my current body with a mental state that is not altered in any way by this wish(which shall include its normal ability to change), also with an eidetic memory and infinite information storage,and a in a situation in which my life has a baseline minimum of comfort equal to that in which my quality of life is at this point in time, with the exception of those alterations required in order to control the influence of aging, a body which will heal from all injuries at a rate three sigmas faster than the average given the medical technology available to me, and which will be protected from any diseases, injuries or illnesses causing disability, pain, or degraded functionality or any sense, organ, or bodily function for more than ten days consecutively or fifteen days in any year; at any time I may rejuvenate my body to a younger age, by saying a phrase matching this pattern five times without interruption, and with conscious intent: 'I wish to be age,’ followed by a number between one and one hundred ninety-nine, followed by ‘years old,’ at which point the pattern ends - after saying a phrase matching that pattern, my body will revert to an age matching the number of years I started and I will commence to age normally from that stage, with all of my memories intact; at any time I may die, by saying five times without interruption, and with conscious intent, 'I wish to be dead’; the terms 'year' and 'day' in this wish shall be interpreted as the ISO standard definitions of the Earth year and day as of 2013, and that this happens as soon as I finish uttering this wish."

2) Get back in the bottle:

"I wish that, as soon as I finish uttering this wsh, you, the Genie had never escaped your botte, with three major differences:

a) the resultant timeline would be twisted so that I would wind up getting the same wishe that I have now, and:

b) I would retain full knowledge of all my previous experiences in the old timeline where I had found the bottle and made the wish dubbed "Immortality" had occurred, followed by this one I´m making now, (including the knowledge that I had made a wish to change the future), and:

c) If I find the resultant timeline to be unsatisfactory, by saying the words ‘I wish for my wish to be undone’ three times, I can rewind time to the period just before I made this wish, with the exception that I would retain full knowledge of all previous timeline changes.”

What do you think?

[Metahive]

Nope. The genie is still limited to the three wishes. Until and unless you ask him to do you a favour, he can't do beans. All that wish is does is forcing the Genie to to find solutions that look beneficial on the surface for the wishes you actually make. Which, at this point, is another two.

Double-Nope
"[...]if you are a clever man you might gain 2 wishes from the spirit within."

If you're not clever, you don't, you end up getting raped with a chainsaw to death because you wished for the most blissful experience ever and the genie watched Hellraiser the other day.

I think that transgresses 'interpretation' rather severely.

To whom would you appeal to challenge the Genie's interpretation of your words and intent? There's nobody, your only resources are your wit and smarts.

No can do. The wish clearly states 'my intentions', not 'what you think my intentions are'.

Nope, the wish clearly states how he interprets what your intentions are. The caveat above applies again. Giving a hostile genie any sort of leeway in how to fulfill your wishes is a fundamentally bad idea.

Again, no go. Writing 'no harm' does not negate any harm being done by him fulfilling this wish. 'The wish may cause no harm' means just that-no harm can be done.

It perfectly fulfills the conditions of the wish, every time he does something "no harm" is caused. It's your fault for not being more specific that you meant harm as a concept and not as a mere word sequence. A hostile genie scoffs at your naivete.

No can do once again. The transfer of power refers to the power of the Genie, not a star.

You're mistaking this with the wish of another poster. This wish called for unlimited power, not for the power of the genie itself. And you know what? You're right. He gives you unlimited power but neglects to give you the ability to control them. Frankly, putting a star inside you was the more merciful option since now the whole universe is probably fucked.