A New Age in Comics pt. 2: Superman

[Demiurge]

I was going to write a new direction story for Spider-man, but I had another idea for Superman that I had to do. It's less of a parody, and more of an insane new direction.


This epic opens with Superman fighting the nefarius Lex Luthor. Luthor is wearing a huge purple-and-green mecha-armor suit and commands an army of 1,000 Doomsday clones. His evil plan is to rob Metropolis Bank. At first Superman is overwhelmed by their massive numbers, but he eventually beats them all. Luthor limps away in his damaged suit, screaming "I'll get you someday, Superman!"

With a job well done, Superman makes an announcement to the American people. He demands that gay marriage be legalized throughout the nation. The Americans, blinded by his heroism, cheer on his idea! They demand that gays be allowed to wed! The nation's legislators have no choice. Hearts heavy with guilt, they sign an amendment legalizing guys making out and gross stuff like that.

Superman announces that he is to marry his longtime love Jimmy Olsen. They marry on broadcast TV. They then proceed to have bondage sex and stuff like that. Lois Lane can't tolerate it any more. She knows that her Clark would never do something like this. She journeys to his Fortress of Solitude. Once there, she prays to Superman. Suddenly, the true Superman materializes in front of her! He has willed himself back to life! He explains that he has been dead since Doomsday, and that this gay Superman is an imposter! He can't let this lie continue, so he flies off toe Metropolis.

When Superman arrives, he finds the imposter walking down the street, holding hands with Jimmy. Jimmy tells the real Supes to save him! An awesome battle ensues. The imposter Superman throws Clark off balance by talking about gross gay stuff. He knocks him down, and starts beating him to death! Suddenly, the Predator shows up and blasts Gay Superman with his laser cannon!

Clark goes unconscious, and has a vision. George Washington appears to him. George tells him that he has a duty to uphold not only truth and justice, but also the American way, and that way of life does not involve having sex with dudes. He gives Clark a thumbs up, and tells him "Good luck... good luck." Clark thanks him, and flys away to consciousness!

Predator is fighting valiantly, but Gay Superman overpowers him. The Real Supes shows up and tackles the fake one! They wage an epic battle. Suddenly ToBy Keith drives up in his Ford truck, jumps out with his guitar, and shouts "Kick that queer's ass!" Everyone cheers him on. Inspired, Clark knocks the imposter down. He stands over him, victorious. Unhappily, Gay Supes has another trick up his sleeve. He flies out into space at the speed of light and inhales all the power of the sun! Earth is plunged in darkness, and everyone despairs.

Clark almost does too, but Toby shouts "You can do it, Superman!" Clark has an idea! He punches a hole in him, and flies back to the beginning of creation! He absorbs all the awesome power of the big bang, and returns to the present more powerful than ever! He fights Fake Superman, and is clearly more powerful than him. He explains to the fake one that it's never okay to like boys in that way. Gay Supes just can't understand, so Clark beats him into the ground.

Sparks start shooting across his broken body. He explains that he is not a Kryptonian at all, but a Terminator from the future! He was damaged in combat, and his programming was corrupted. He no longer wanted to kill men. He only wanted to love them. So he travelled back to the modern day in search of man-love. He programmed himself to have superpowers to immitate the great Superman so he could be with his one true love, Jimmy Olsen.

The Terminator fizzles out and dies. Superman shakes head in mourning over this sad, misguided robot. Predator steps beside him and explains that all gays are really alien xenomorphs from a distant galaxy. They hide in human form to gain acceptance, so they can one day devour us all! He further explains that the aliens have recently created a scientic breakthrough in terror: the bisexual, a half-man, half-alien hybrid. Superman nods stoicly he knows what he must do. So he flies off to save the earth! Lois, Jimmy, Perry, Pres. Bush, Toby Keith, and the Predator cheer him as he departs. It's the dawn of a new age for Superman, and the USA!

Please note that the vies and ideas expressed in this kickass story are not those of the author. Have a nice day. If this belongs in fanfics, then I apologize.

[spongyblue]

This kids, is the reason you don't smoke dope. But it's still better than the Electrik Blue/Red Superman crap.

[Shroom Man 777]

I LOVE it! Unlimited Power indeed!

[Srynerson]

Suddenly, the Predator shows up and blasts Gay Superman with his laser cannon!

I'm guessing this is the Predator from the film of the same name rather than the long-time Green Lantern villain.

[mr friendly guy]

Great story.

How about Mr Sinister arrives in the DC universe and stunned by the power of DC Metas decides he should stop trying to breed the ultimate mutant from Jean Grey and that loser Cyclops.

He decides he needs Supes DNA with Princess Maxima. So he manages to clone Maxima from a tiny piece of DNA, enhance her mental powers and programs her with enhance sex drive, and orders her to mate with Supes.

The offspring will have enhance uber pre crisis levels of powers, be faster than a speeding tachyon, more powerful than the gravitational pull of a black hole, and more wankerferic than Culture ship.

[18-Till-I-Die]

Meh.

Needs more Doomsday clones and less psychic visions.

And, uh, a Predator wouldnt help Superman fight xenomorphs because they created the xenomorphs to hunt for themselves! Duh!!




For those who lack a sarcasrm gene, that was of course a joke.

[Demiurge]

How about 1,000 Doomsday clones plus 1,000 Darkseid clones? All created for a bank heist.

[Ghost Rider]

How about 1,000 Doomsday clones plus 1,000 Darkseid clones? All created for a bank heist.

Remember to give them fedoras and cheesy 1930 costumes for the win!

Nice job and sadly much like X-Men looks to be where it's going.