A New Age in Comics pt. 1: X-Men

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2005-05-14 03:11pm

I have some ideas that will totally reimagine the DC and Marvel universes. This is a new direction in superhero stories that will blow your mind out the back of your skull.

The first is a story arc that will usher in a new era for the X-Men. I think Marvel will really like this, and give me lots of money for it.

It opens with the X-men battling the Juggernaut. They're losing badly, when suddenly the tables turn. Wolverine starts growing fur and claws. He howls like an animal and jumps on Juggernaut. He has incredible strength in this new form, and he beats Juggernaut to death! Wolverine realizes that this must be another aspect of his mysterious origin. He goes off alone, once again searching for his true past.

Meanwhile, a surge of energy appears in Magneto's secret island base. It enters a lifeless body in a cloning tank. It wakes up, and magnetic energy bursts out. Magneto is back, and more powerful than ever!
Wolverine finds an old military base in the wilds of Canada. He tears through its defenses, and finds an evil scientist inside. The scientist explains that Wolverine was once an animal-- an actual wolverine! Evil military scientists turned him into a man-beast hybrid with the strength of an animal! Wolverine vows to never again use this terrible power, for it may doom the world!

Suddenly, Magneto approached Wolverine and offers to make an alliance. He explains that in his new body he finally has his true memory back, like before Xavier wiped it clean! He tells Wolvie that Xavier is really the tyrant Adolph Hitler. It turns out all of his rascist hatred was a load of lies to distract the world from his true plan: to breed an army of supermutants to take over the world! Magneto cannot allow a human to subjugate the mutants like this! He has to stop Hitler! Wolverine grudgingly joins him.

They confront Xavier, and he reveals his true self. His kindly face and bald head are suddenly replaced by a mustache and evil nazi hair! He sends his X-men to kill Wolverine! Wolvie easily beats them all. Meanwhile, Magneto overpowers and kills Hitler. The X-Men come to their senses and apologize.

Unfortunately, Magneto has another plan. He declares that with Hitler gone, no one can stop him from conquering the world! Using his incredible power, he tears apart the earth's moon and transforms the fragments into an army of human-killing sentinels! The X-Men have to stop him! They charge at Magneto, but he blasts them with magneto-bolts! They are all torn to shreds, except for Wolverin whos healing factor saves him.

Magneto pulls all of the adamantium from Wolverine's body, and shapes it into an indestructible super-sentinel! Wolverine has no choice. He taps into his primal power, and turns into the Wolverine! He pummels the robot into scrap and then cuts off Magneto's head!

Victory is bitter. He looks at his clawed hands, and at his fallen comrades, and he knows what he must now do. So he flies off to Magneto's island base, and clones himself 12 time. He names the new X-Men Wolvie-X, Wolverina, Wolverine Ultra, Wolverine Master, Masterine, Badverine, Wolverine-X-treme, X-treme-verine, Xolverine, Slashverine, Clawverine, and their leader Mega-MaxKillverine.

He knows that he can never control the beast within, so he cuts off his own head. Wolverine dies, but his legacy lives on. A new day dawns. A new era begins.

I hope you found that to be as awesome as I did.

Batman · Post by **Batman** » 2005-05-14 03:43pm

This is bizarre even by local standards.

Caius · Post by **Caius** » 2005-05-14 03:49pm

all I can say is WTF?

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2005-05-14 04:03pm

Are you sure you aren't writing for Marvel already?

Jawawithagun · Post by **Jawawithagun** » 2005-05-14 04:07pm

*shrugs* nope, not cool

Vendetta · Post by **Vendetta** » 2005-05-14 04:10pm

Tsyroc wrote:Are you sure you aren't writing for Marvel already?

It's Chris Claremont! Quick, don't let him get away!

(Or does it make too much logical sense to be Claremont?)

Tsyroc · Post by **Tsyroc** » 2005-05-14 04:30pm

It can't be Claremont. None of the hot chicks were major characters and the guys weren't whining wusses, or is that just Old School Claremont?

Right now it could be any number of Marvel people.

1. Uberfan Wank Wolverine plus secret backstory :check:

2. Never say die constantly being powered up Magneto :check:

3. A buttload of future spin-off "Wolvie" titles :ding, ding, ding: we have a winner.

LordChaos · Post by **LordChaos** » 2005-05-14 06:30pm

Can you say "Craptastic"?

I knew you could..

(sorry, but that wouldn't even be good enough for a sci-fi channel made for tv movie).

Old Plympto · Post by **Old Plympto** » 2005-05-14 07:41pm

Is there a Slashverine action figure out already?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2005-05-14 07:49pm

Sadly, this is pretty moderate by Wolverine wank standards.

This is hilarious, BTW, is it cool if I post it in another forum if I give you credit?

DPDarkPrimus · Post by **DPDarkPrimus** » 2005-05-14 08:01pm

I, for one, welcome our new Wolverine overlords.

mr friendly guy · Post by **mr friendly guy** » 2005-05-14 10:12pm

This is some type of parody right? Of course it is.

Charles Xavier secretly Adolf Hitler? James Bond being secretly a Time Lord makes more sense.

Wolvering wank? Oh God. Can you image a SW vs ST fic, where Wesley taps into his genius and adjusts the phasers to utterly annihilate an ISD in one shot. That's what your Wolverine killing Juggernaut sounds like.

Magneto having an ulterior motive for doing what he does. This just sounds cliche.

I happily await your reimagining of the DC universe. How about Princess Maxima comes back from the dead with stronger mental powers, mind controls Supes to mate with her and produces an uber offspring of doom.

Come on, you know you want to read this story.

Post by **Steve** » 2005-05-14 11:20pm

Um, why wouldn't it parody? It makes fun of all of Marvel's X-Men ridiculousness.

The Prime Necromancer · Post by **The Prime Necromancer** » 2005-05-15 01:00am

Every time I read over those names, I can't help but chortle.

SylasGaunt · Post by **SylasGaunt** » 2005-05-17 12:08am

That's some great stuff there man.

GuppyShark · Post by **GuppyShark** » 2005-05-17 06:22am

We should make him our leader.

Demiurge · Post by **Demiurge** » 2005-05-17 02:46pm

Yes, of course it's a parody. And yes, you can post it with credit. This reply is late because I don't have easy access to a computer. I can, however, post another one if anyone is interested. I'm working on one for Spider-man right now, and I could post it in a few days.

Batman · Post by **Batman** » 2005-05-17 03:12pm

Demiurge wrote:Yes, of course it's a parody. And yes, you can post it with credit. This reply is late because I don't have easy access to a computer. I can, however, post another one if anyone is interested. I'm working on one for Spider-man right now, and I could post it in a few days.

I hereby request you to do so.

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2005-05-17 04:49pm

Still better then the drivel of the past 10-15 years of X-garbage.

I would welcome such changes if for nothing else to see how many would still hold to it and smile.