There's one for sex and work, so why not games?

I was playing Halo multiplayer the other day, we were doing slayer and this guy with the name Facebook came in first with 25 kills. The guy in second had 21 and then the dumbest things just came out of his mouth.

"I almost had you Facebook."

I know its lame, but hearing that out loud was just the funniest thing to me. Go ahead, say it in context.

I don't if this will be stickied or whether it would die in a day or a few weeks, but I thought it was at least worth trying, so yeah, what are some funny things you've heard while playing a video game?

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Downward fucking dog! ~ Travis Touchdown

on XBL:

*party invite*
*Accept*
Me: Sup, STRAK?
Stark: You're drunk aren't you?

Once had a few mates over and we were all playing Modern Warfare. In our drunken state we all joined the same server, all changed our name to "FondleTank", and eventually started using the in game chat to abuse each other even though we were all in the same room.

Good times

Me: "AHHHH FUCK MY FACE EXPLODED OH GOD OW!"
Friend: "Man, it's so satisfying playing games with you. Your reactions to me blowing you up make it quite entertaining."

I've gotten that a few times, really. When I'm playing multiplayer with friends I just really get into it and exclaim loudly. On one occasion I was talking to some buddies on Skype while playing Fallout 3 and then out of nowhere I got sniped in the head and I screamed "Ahh! Ahh! My head is crippled!" and they joked about it for weeks.

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　 ／l、
ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
　l、ﾞ ~ヽ
　じしf_, )ノ

---

agentfisherSDnet: You're as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Librium Arcana, Where Gamers Play!
"We're cooler than an iced frappicino -- On the Planet Hoth!"

Playing DDO in a high level quest just as the final boss arrives, someone calls out on voice:

"I'm out of mana and pots"

Tank: "Huh, who was that? That wasn't the healer was it? Shit it was...someone get this thing off me!!!"

Cue three minutes which would best be dubbed with Yakety Saxs as the tank runs around pillars and crates with a huge monster chasing him all the way.

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"Prodesse Non Nocere."
"It's all about popularity really, if your invisible friend that tells you to invade places is called Napoleon, you're a loony, if he's called Jesus then you're the president."
"I'd drive more people insane, but I'd have to double back and pick them up first..."
"All it takes for bullshit to thrive is for rational men to do nothing." - Kevin Farrell, B.A. Journalism.
BOTM - EBC - Horseman - G&C - Vampire

Amy: What...the heck is that
Me: What does it look like?
Amy: It looks like a giant parrot made of hair.
Me: Yep.
Amy: What? Why?
Me: Because Japan.

Sometimes my friends all get together and play GTA. I wasn't there for this one, but:

My friend started off as he usually does, by running over and punching the nearest person. In this case, the lady fought back, and fought back hard. To spare the embarrassment of dying thirty seconds in by losing a fistfight with a pedestrian, he spawned a helicopter and took off. As he was climbing, he noticed that the woman had climbed up onto the chopper while it was on the ground. She reached over and pulled him out of the helicopter, and he somehow survived the fall.

"That was the craziest thing, I don't know what could top i-"

CRUNCH

Game over. Apparently stopped helicopters fall straight down.

Had a good one on my brief foray into the hell that was BLOPS.

Angry 12 year old vs mom.

Round starts;

Billy "Anybody got a mic?"

Me "Sigh, I do"

Billy "Let's go kill these n******"

Random "kid, shut the fuck up, don't start"

Billy "fuck you man, I'm gangsta as shit you n******"

Me "Relax kid, let's just play"

Billy "hey man, fuck you too, n******"

Billys mic "BILLY, we don't use that word"

Billy "n*****, n******, n******"

Billy's mic "that's it, *WHAP, get off that WHAP, fucking machine *WHAP right now!"

Billy (crying): mooooooommm, owwww, mooooommmmmaaaa!

*billy disconnects

Welcome to x-box live, also know as /0

CoD: WaW - Grab tank during the beginning of the map. Paul and Dan keep the "ants" off me. I go 25-0. After the match, receive message "tank noob." I reply: "Tanks for the memories."

Left 4 Dead 2 - Mutation Bleed out on Hard Rain. Rob falls behind, we're all at about 10 hp. Hear hunter scream through howling winds and rain. Saferoom door is in sight, so we all pop pills. Rob gets smoked.

Me: "Should we go back for him?"
Kyle: (without skipping a beat) "Stick to the code."

We'll miss you Rob.....

Natural Selection:
I commanded this one game on our server. No other regs were on, just a bunch of pubs. So, I'm giving orders and we're behind the curve. We got lucky on a block and managed to take down the fade early, so I was pumping upgrades. We failed a shotgun rush on maintenance hive because people would not shoot the hive, and were low on res. The whole time this one little shit kept asking for a shotgun for "clearing nodes." I gave him two. Both times him and another were supposed to work the map clearing nodes and capping. He'd immediately split off and get himself soloed by a skulk. We caught another break when, while pushing maintenance again, one marine capping nodes ended up near alpha (IIRC). So, I drop a phase gate, beaconed, had enough for two shotguns (but we had level 3 weapons, so it was doable).

Everyone phases to alpha, but both shotgunners hit the node and a few others were shooting at what I assume were stray oxygen atoms. The whole thing is a bust, and I hear an onos and (at least) two fades coming to marine start. The last of our nodes drop, and out of this that same little shit says:

"We could have taken that if you had dropped shotguns."
Me: "Oh, you want a shotgun?" :I drop one right by the command chair:
He gets to the chair just as I get out and pickup the shotgun and put 4 rounds into his face.
Me: "There's your fucking shotgun, bitch!"
/disconnect

Overheard while playing L4D2.

: I see dead people....

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Let him land on any Lyran world to taste firsthand the wrath of peace loving people thwarted by the myopic greed of a few miserly old farts- Katrina Steiner

In a group for one of the new WoW-Cataclysm Heroic dungeons:

New Guy: Alright, how does this boss fight work?
My Friend: Okay, in phase 1 he rips your nuts off.
Me: In phase 2, he reattaches them, rips them off, and beats you to death.
My Friend: But phase 3 is pretty much a burn-down.

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Stuart: The only problem is, I'm losing track of which universe I'm in.
You kinda look like Jesus. With a lightsaber.- Peregrin Toker

Nit, hearing the above quote: I've fought that one.
Me giggles
Nit: No, I'm SURE I've fought in that one!

---

agentfisherSDnet: You're as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Librium Arcana, Where Gamers Play!
"We're cooler than an iced frappicino -- On the Planet Hoth!"

GF: "Some guy on Black Ops just sent me the message 'Go back to the kitchen' after I went 15-3."
Me: "So, reply back 'Can't, I'm too busy taking out the trash.'"
GF: "What if he doesn't get it?" (the insult)
Me: "Well, he plays Black Ops, so he's got shit for brains anyway."
GF: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Me: :::pause::: "I love you." :::goes back upstairs:::

She did send the reply though.

Guildmate: "What stat should I be stacking for a level 19 Subt rogue?"
Me: "I assume PvP?"
Guildmate: "Yea"
Me: "Agility at the expense of everything. Same for any rogue at that level really."
Guildmate: "No stam?"
Me: "Your job is to hit hard and not get hit in return. Agility gives dodge as well as AP. Among other things."
Guildmate: "So what happens if I get hit?"
Me: "You die."

While playing SMP Minecraft with a friend.

Me: Sweet, found some diamonds!
Friend: Wewt. Where you at?
Me: Gimme a sec, I'll just be... fucking zombies. I'll just deal with these and... oh fuck.
Friend: What?
Me: FUCK!
Friend: WHAT!?
Me: Backtracking from zombie, swinging sword, fall into lava, lose diamonds. Fuck!
Friend: That's like the third time you've done that.
Me: Shut your fucking mouth.
Friend:

---

　 ／l、
ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
　l、ﾞ ~ヽ
　じしf_, )ノ

my first AD&D session after a few years of playing CRPG

looks into room crawling with thousands of Goblins, plus heavy artillery, greek fire, etc.

Dwarf: oh fuck
half-elf bounty hunter (me): you did save the game at the tavern right?

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The scariest folk song lyrics are "My Boy Grew up to be just like me" from cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin

How did it end? Badly?!

fortunatly our cleric was a pyromaniac, lots of greek fire, so we went from the Bolivian Army to setting a fire break, and hiding behind a door, gave us enough time to run away, probably one of my best being sneaky getaways, since the time playing Dragonlance where my acrobatic kender managed to sucsessfully "Wire-fu" her way up a wall and dropped enough rope to get the rest of the party up. (PS by wire-fu, was part running and part being thrown by a Minotaur)

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The scariest folk song lyrics are "My Boy Grew up to be just like me" from cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin

Call of Duty:Modern Warfare

I can't remember the name of the map, but its the one based off the map where the Abrams is stranded. I'm in a building with my only weapon left, a .50 sniper rifle. Enemy appears in front of me and I hip fire a few rounds rapid and kill him

"Nice aimbot"
"Dude, you were nose to nose with me, I couldn't miss if I had a pistol"

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Don't Move you're surrounded by Armed Bastards - Gene Hunt's attempt at Diplomacy

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own - Number 6

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

While playing MW2;

*Predator Missile indicator appears on minimap*
Friend: no no NO NO! (in perfect imitation of Cleveland from Family Guy)
Me:

Ever since then we've called that time when you are absolutely sure a Predator is about to take you out a "Cleveland" moment.

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"I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish." - Homer Simpson

Huh. That's less than 10 condoms per person. Though, assuming an even split between gender, that's almost 20 condoms per penis, so I certainly hope that would suffice for the three weeks they're there. -Alferd Packer

This sentence is false.

Playing in a Pathfinder Chronicles game with friends. Situation is this; After a slugging match with ten bandits attacking the trading post in which we were staying, we take a single prisoner. Said prisoner is, like the group, level one.

DM: Anyone have Intimidate?
Group:...
Me: Got it covered.
Friend: Druids get intimidate?
Me(in character): I hate the holy fuck out of bandits and raiders. I have a knife and some rope. I can make this work.
*Bandit leader glares and spits while everyone is staring at my Druid drop-jawed*
Me(approaching the prisoner): Anyone who can't stomach whats about to happen in this room had better leave now.

Everyone else left. Nobody told the Paladin.

The Halo: CE demo had some of the funniest name-related bits I've ever seen. In one memorable incident, a guy named James Bond was killed by warm milk.

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Conversion Table:

2000 Mockingbirds = 2 Kilomockingbirds
Basic Unit of Laryngitis = 1 Hoarsepower
453.6 Graham Crackers = 1 Pound Cake
1 Kilogram of Falling Figs - 1 Fig Newton
Time Between Slipping on a Banana Peel and Smacking the Pavement = 1 Bananosecond
Half of a Large Intestine = 1 Semicolon

I'll be the first to admit that the following is an example of me being a jerk. I'll also acknowledge that I was probably motivated to play a drow necromancer by Imperial Overlord's stories about Nalifan. That said, this took place on a Neverwinter Nights "roleplay required, hardcore" persistent world server years ago. I'd just made a neutral evil drow necromancer, put together a reasonable backstory, and headed into the town market.

Gnome: "Excuse me, are you a good drow?"
Me: (rolling my eyes IRL) "A...good drow? Yes."
Gnome: "Great, will you help me complete a task for the town guard?"
Me: "Why?"
Gnome: "Well, erm, you'll get a chance to improve your skills and earn some pay."
Me: "Hrm, and I suppose making myself useful to the local guard may reduce problems in the long run. Very well, lead on."

So we clear the newbie quest, and the gnome is pretty much an idiot (as if the "Are you a good drow?" question wasn't a dead giveaway of THAT). At the end of the quest he's let himself get surrounded by a bunch of, sigh, dire rats. I used a Burning Hands spell to kill the very badly injured gnome and the dire rats, then started looting his corpse.

Him: "What are you doing? You killed me!"
Me: "Yes, and now I'm looting your corpse."
Him: "Why?"
Me: "Because this way I get the bounties for all of the rat tails instead of having to share them with you, I get to sell your equipment, and frankly you're too dumb to live anyway."
Him: "You said you were a good drow!"
Me: "I just used you to accomplish my goals while avoiding any risk then stabbed you in the back and made a profit. I'm a GREAT drow."

The entertainment value only escalated from there when he complained, despite being dead, first to a GM ("Well, yeah, he's a drow.") then to a Paladin PC (who confronted me for my crimes only to be defeated by legal arguments).

Playing a SG mod for Sins of a Solar Empire with my friend Alex, playing to see who pays for lunch:

Alex: "Ha! You think those Ancient starbases can hold back my Asgard heavy battleships?"
Me: "oh no, not at all. In fact, I think they're gonna go boom any moment."
Alex: "I told you Ancients are rubbish in this mod! There we go, BOOM-BOOM-BOOM...WTF? WHY ARE MY SHIPS EXPLODING?"
Me: "Oh, that. I forgot to tell you. I gave those starbases the self-destruct-and-kill-anything-else-in-range ability. Sucks to be you. And here come some Ancient cityships to burn your homeworld to a cinder. Geuss Ancients aren't so rubbish after all huh? Pizza's on you bitch."

---

You are standing on a 4.5 billion year old complex, self-sustaining organic spacship, which is orbiting a power source a million times larger than your ship. There are 200 billion other power sources, many of them with ships like yours, in your fleet. There are 40 other fleets in the immediate neighbourhood and your entire neighbourhood is moving at two million miles per hour towards an object 150 million light years away. Welcome to life, it's a lot more exciting when you think on larger scales.

Was playing some Halo Reach tonight, and was drinking 7Up...I was in a party talking to my friends, when Isaac goes and says:

"Is that you drinking?"

"Yes." I responded.

And then he went and said:

"That sounds more like a robot trying to eat - no, devour a car. I don't want to know what you sound like when eating."

And then I laughed for a bit.

I'm baffled that I sound like that, to be honest.