World's worst RPG

Yogi · Post by **Yogi** » 2003-07-12 09:30pm

http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/9/9222.phtml

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2003-07-12 09:55pm

I understand that if anything, McLennan and Sartin actually understate the craptacularity of FATAL.

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2003-07-12 10:23pm

For anyone interested in the review, brace yourself for the pain.

No, not the pain of the review.

The sympathic brain damage from the suffering of those who did review it, and the direct neural damage from the small passages quoted.

I'm going to be over here right now. Reading the Discworld rules. While my brain regenerates.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2003-07-12 11:34pm

I stopped reading as soon as I got to "obsession with rape and defecation." *shudders*

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-07-13 01:05am

I stopped reading nearly halfway when I reached the part about rolling for Vaginal Circumference and converting height to get Vaginal Depth Potential.

Mother of God...

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-07-13 01:24am

I apparently haven't read that far, yet. I think the review's pretty funny.

Sartin: He's not joking, people, and I wasn't, either. Those of you wondering what the most ass-tastic RPG of all time would look like - the one whose suck factor will forever demolish all challengers and tower over the ages with all the majesty of a homeless, mindless, drooling, shit-obsessed, impotent moron standing on a mountain of used Dragon Ball Z condoms - can finally die in peace.

The arguments are over. Anyone who says anything else is the worst RPG ever will...well, I'll inject kerosene into my bladder, piss on them, and then set them on fire. This game sucks THAT much.

Godfuckingdammit. We're hardly four words into the review, and already the game has dragged me down to its level.

Yogi · Post by **Yogi** » 2003-07-13 02:35am

Wusses, I read through the entire thing. Yes it is that bad, really.

For more entertainment, read Fatal Game's rebuttal.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-07-13 02:52am

Okay. I have gotten the late edition out, and having gone back and read further it is EASILY as bad as everyone claimed. It's not even funny how wrong that game is, in spots, but what's even worse is the knowledge that these two guys had to read through the mammoth manual.

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-13 03:21am

"Roleplaying Games of Gor"!!!!

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-13 03:32am

Breaks out rule book for "Lesbian Biker Nuns of the Post Apacalypse" ahh that's better, now where is that ruler of smiting that I can use as a double ended dildo....

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-07-13 10:53am

*disappears for a moment*

*reappears carrying around 90 pages of paper*

Ah, here it is... The (mostly) Complete Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge for Fantasy Role-playing Games

(Shortened for dead tree edition by Grody Inc.)

30 pages fo rules (including inter-spiecies pregnancies, how long sex lasts (15 minutes at best), magical STDs (Some of which are, actually, pretty funny), and the what can happen to your pregnant child if you cast spells (assuming your female(one hopes)))

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-07-13 11:01am

Almost forgot this happy little rule right here:

Code: Select all

               THE RACK CRITICAL HIT CHART: FOR MEN ONLY


     Female characters are cursed with The Bitch Rule, so how can the
males be equally punished. Well, at long last, it's here. The Rack
Critical Hit Chart.
     "Rack" is a term that refers to a shot to the groin. As most guys
will tell you, a hit to the body or face is invulnerably more welcome
and less devastating than a blast to the crotch.
     The rack can either be a called shot to the groin, part of a
normal critical hit chart, or (to get more use of it) if the attacker
rolls five higher than the necessary to hit roll (modified or natural),
it is now considered to be a rack.

The rack chart is as follows:

 0-70  Man drops weapon, clutches privates, and loses next 1d4 rounds
       of initiative.
71-80  Man is blinded by tears and cannot defend or attack for the next
       1d6 rounds.
81-90  Man is stunned for one round and then goes into a berserker rage
       for 1d10 rounds. Rules for berserk rage applies.
91-95  Man's voice is permanently altered to 1d4 octaves higher,
       dropping his charisma by 1d4. Also stunned for 1d4 rounds.
96-98  Man is permanently rendered impotent. Stunned for 1d6 rounds.
 99    Man loses consciousness for 1d10 rounds. (System shock roll can
       be made at -50%, if successful, man is only unconscious for 1d4
       rounds.)
 00    Man goes into shock, no save, and dies. All men within a viewing
       distance must make a constitution save at -5 or they clutch
       themselves and remain stunned for 1 round.


NOTE: GM's may enforce the rule that any time a man sees another man
getting racked he must make a constitution check to see if he is
stunned for one round. Exception, see 00.

FINAL NOTE: Due to the amount of protection a male will go through to
protect his "family treasure", his AC for his privates is 2 better than
his overall AC. He also gets +2 to his dexterity at any attempt to
dodge. <evil grin>

SirNitram · Post by **SirNitram** » 2003-07-13 11:12am

Singular Quartet wrote:*disappears for a moment*

*reappears carrying around 90 pages of paper*

Ah, here it is... The (mostly) Complete Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge for Fantasy Role-playing Games

(Shortened for dead tree edition by Grody Inc.)

30 pages fo rules (including inter-spiecies pregnancies, how long sex lasts (15 minutes at best), magical STDs (Some of which are, actually, pretty funny), and the what can happen to your pregnant child if you cast spells (assuming your female(one hopes)))

Primary difference: The Sex Guide was written mostly in jest, or with silly games in mind. Granted, you can turn around and use it to make the world slightly more gritty and sexual, but no one claimed it would be historically accurate or realistic.

And the Rack Critical chart kicked ass.

Singular Quartet · Post by **Singular Quartet** » 2003-07-13 11:38am

SirNitram wrote:Primary difference: The Sex Guide was written mostly in jest, or with silly games in mind. Granted, you can turn around and use it to make the world slightly more gritty and sexual, but no one claimed it would be historically accurate or realistic.

Oh, good lord no. Although it is (fairly) accurate, this is mostly because it was designed under the concept of acommon sense, and, more likely than not, a wee bit of perversion.

Fatal, on the other hand, seems to have been designed for people like Ray-cav.

The Duchess of Zeon · Post by **The Duchess of Zeon** » 2003-07-13 02:18pm

I think my sanity stopped functioning after these two sections:

FATAL wrote:"few who are educated and familiar with ether can argue against its existence."

--just to prove he's not just racist, sexist, and a fan of rape, he also believes in the ether theory.

And:

Sartin reviewing FATAL endured this wrote:Sartin: Darren spares you, gentle reader, but I am not so merciful. Everyone already knows about the cock clones, gay ogres appearing to butt-fuck like there's no tomorrow, and vagina foreheads, so let's check out some of the other 1,996 results!
0090 Next time caster defecates, their intestines fall out of their ass, though still loosely attached.
0091 An illusory disembodied 3d10’ long schlong appears, trying to fuck whoever has the most LP in 500’.
0092 Illusion appears of a male human pulling his pants down, cutting off his scrotum, and offering some…
Right.
0119 Caster believes they are a housecat for 24 hours.
0120 Caster does cartwheels for 4 rounds.
0121 Caster is unbelievably happy and does not know why.
Right.
0152 Caster becomes a serial rapist.
0153 Caster becomes narcissistic.
0154 Caster believes they must repair the nearest carriage.
Right.
0195 Caster now orgasms in the presence of candles.
0196 Caster develops obsessive-compulsive washing behavior.
0197 Caster now wants to kill everything wearing the color blue.
0198 Caster now only wants to have sex with old characters.
0199 Caster now only wants to have sex with pre-teens.
0200 Caster tries to fist-fuck the next sleeping female they see, no matter when or where.
0201 Caster now prefers mating with farm animals, and is now a zoophiliac.
0202 Caster develops a fetish to drink their own sperm once at each meal.
0203 The next female with Charisma over 120 orgasms upon seeing the caster.
0204 Caster strokes or fingers themselves, as is appropriate to their gender, once in each direction in public.
0205 Caster only wants to have sex, especially oral, with women on their rag.
0206 Caster’s buttocks itch for the next entire day. Suffer - 10 initiative.
Goddammit! Where did those rabid pit bulls go?
0257 Nutsack of caster swells to 10d1000 in volume for 3d3 days.
0258 Next time caster poops, the turd comes alive, attacks caster: +80 TH, for 1 LP B dmg, CA 20, & 3 LP.
0259 Target turns into a fat, dark, female. MM decides appropriate penalties.
You know, I think we've finally, finally reached the point where nothing I can add could possibly make this game look more juvenile or stupid or pointless than it already is.
Oh, wait:

0225 Caster’s asshole dilates to 9 inches in circumference every time they smell rain.
Hooray! Now he might finally be able to LITERALLY get his head up there. No, wait, that's circumference, not diameter. Well, okay, at least a few more fists, then.
0251 Scratch n’ Sniff magical symbol of a smelly vagina appears on the forehead of each party member.
0252 Caster’s attack TH increases by 2d10 permanently.
0253 Eyeball appears on the caster’s cockhead. It can determine truth/falsity of 1 statement once per day.
FATALite: "Repeat that before the Cock-Eye of Truth, wretch! And hurry, I've got to take it off to make that Urination roll!"
Then this shit comes on for several pages (and hundreds of entries):

0332 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abaddon
0333 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abattur
0334 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abigor
0335 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abraxas
0336 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abu
0337 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Abudantia
0338 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adad
0339 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adiririon
0340 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Adramalech
0341 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Aegir
0342 Caster worships and entire body is branded with the symbol of Aesculapius
You know, a lot of these results are a lot funnier when you remember that magic items can trigger these rolls, and "caster" refers to the item in those cases.

0883 Every time a spell is cast, the caster burps at 125 decibels.
0884 Every time a spell is cast, the caster bleeds from their ass.
0885 Every time a spell is cast, the caster punches themselves in the cock n’ balls/gash for 2 LP of damage.
0886 Every time a spell is cast, the caster’s eyes bug-out as if in severe constipation.
0887 Every time a spell is cast, the caster holds their right hand to their chest, attempts to bite their ear.
0888 Every time a spell is cast, the caster jumps for joy.
0889 Every time a spell is cast, the caster flips off the target.
0890 Every time a spell is cast, the caster flicks their nutsack/labia 3 times.
0891 Every time a spell is cast, the caster pukes bile.
I don't know what I did - probably coining the line "Don't worry, I brought enough balls for everyone!", or all those times I tried to set strangers on fire for asking me what time it was - but I'm really damn sorry.
As though it all isn't enough, we also have about a hundred results where Hall seems to rip off metal lyrics:

0949 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “I must die while suffering!”
0950 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “I want to be one with the dead!”
0951 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Blood shall flow because killing is all we know!”
Yeah! Keep rocking, dudes!
0991 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “I must achieve my revenge through hatred!”
0992 Every time a spell is cast, the caster says “Suffer to survive, instinct I despise!”
0993 Every time a spell is cast, must chant “You’re as ugly as the poo I left in your mama’s mouth!”
There's hope, though. Maybe someday, someone will roll this result:
1351 Accidentally casts Fatal.
I've had enough, but of course, we just can't leave without seeing these:

0995 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days. If eaten, +1 to Drive.
0996 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens in 10 days. If eaten, -1 to Drive.
0997 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens every 10 days. If eaten, +1 CA.
0998 Caster grows a piece of fruit from their dickhole/cuntpipe that ripens every 10 days. If eaten, -1 CA.
0999 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target enjoys it thoroughly.
1000 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target becomes a loyal henchman.
1001 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target bites caster’s cock, 2d4 dmg.
1002 Caster and target begin copulating instantly for 2d10 rounds. Target laughs like madman and runs off.

No more need be said.

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2003-07-13 10:16pm

Reading that makes me want to play some Human Occupied Landfill -- a real irreverant game. That game just made me sad.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2003-07-14 01:24am

Yogi wrote:Wusses, I read through the entire thing. Yes it is that bad, really.

For more entertainment, read Fatal Game's rebuttal.

Their rebuttal is hilarious. It's completely self-contradictory. Observe:

Moron who wrote the game wrote:
Darren wrote:So, basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG.
Another faulty conclusion drawn by Darren. Where is dating included? More to the point, multiple ways of role-playing are mentioned, ranging from 'good' to 'evil' (though in real life I hesitate to use those terms). Why he focuses on rape is for him to answer. As mentioned elsewhere, FATAL is intended to be comprehensive, and if examined, the reader will find balance between 'good' and 'evil'.

Okay, note that in this paragraph the author of the game claims to have made a "comprehensive" game, designed to "find balance between 'good' and 'evil.'" Yet he doesn't include dating, but includes rules regarding rape. The REALLY bad part of this is, he doesn't even understand why he's being utterly hypocritical (though, I suppose it's the least of his numerous crimes).

Yogi · Post by **Yogi** » 2003-07-14 06:26pm

Fatal Games wrote: Now I want them fed to rats. For this:

35. Jewy Jewbacca, of: Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece. Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul. The armor may be removed at any time and the wearer will return to normal.

Big fucking rats, while we're on the subject.

50. Nigrous Nincompoopery, of: Whosoever dons this armor experiences a loss of 1d100 points from each sub-ability of Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma. The ass of the wearer will grow by 50% and be abnormally high. If the wearer is male, then those around him are 80% likely to believe that his manhood has increased, though it has not. The skin of the wearer becomes cursed and dark as night. Disposition turns to UI. Temperament becomes phlegmatic. The eyes of the wearer are visible 3 miles away at night. The wearer will have a body odor for 1d10 feet. On the bright side, the Physical Fitness of the wearer increases by 10%. The armor may be removed at will.

With the bubonic plague.

22. Gookums, of: Whosoever dons this armor experiences an increase of 1d20 points of Intelligence in each sub-ability and is reduced to 80% of natural Height. The eyelids of the wearer will swell as though hit with a maul, and Vision is reduced to 25%. Most importantly, the Manhood or Cup Size is reduced to 50%. Strangely, the ass of the wearer will shrink, drop, and droop.

And I want them fed feet-first.

23. Greasians, of: Whosoever wears this armor acquires hair that is greasy and dark, they lose half of their Drive subability, are reduced to 90% of natural Height, are 80% likely to beat their spouse if they have one, and will be magically unemployed for 1d100 days. However, if the wearer plays drums, the wearer gets a bonus of 1d100 to their skill check.

Then I want the rats fed to some other rats.

Sartin: See, told you it was racist. You have to wonder what would happen if someone who was already black put on - oh, wait, forgot! There are no dark-skinned humans in FATAL.

Personally, I'm not racist, though this may be going too far with humor. As far as no dark-skinned humans in FATAL, that was covered above, when I mentioned extracting or minimizing influences originating outside of Europe.

Burnout: I personally don’t think it’s going too far with humor. I just think it should be spread to a broader range, as to not leave anyone out. Say Posers, of: will think they have dark skin and act accordingly. Honkey, of: Can’t dance, has no ass, can’t jump, will be 3d20% likely to pick up a stringed instrument. You know, and so on.

The most pathetic thing is that Hall probably isn't even actually racist. He's just doing this because he needs more attention.

For the record, I enjoy controversial humor.

I checked their latest release, and for all their blustering, the racist armor types seem to have been removed.

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2003-07-14 07:06pm

The rebuttal is so damn rich.

"They are afraid of me."

No shit, Hall. I'm afraid of you. The Marquis de Sade would be afraid of you. You're the most genuinely fucked up person I've ever heard of.

Slartibartfast · Post by **Slartibartfast** » 2003-07-14 08:30pm

The Duchess of Zeon wrote:I think my sanity stopped functioning after these two sections:

FATAL wrote:"few who are educated and familiar with ether can argue against its existence."
--just to prove he's not just racist, sexist, and a fan of rape, he also believes in the ether theory.

Ether exists. It's what makes Bugs Bunny and the Scientist move in slow motion.

Eleas · Post by **Eleas** » 2003-07-17 03:07am

Yogi wrote:http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/9/9222.phtml

Holy shit. This looks even worse than d20.

Spanky The Dolphin · Post by **Spanky The Dolphin** » 2003-07-17 04:21am

Maybe there's some subculture that's into this; judging from the FATAL theme song, which sounds like the Cookie Monster chasing a drum kit being pushed down a flight of stairs, I'd guess thrash metal or speed metal or metal metal or whatever the fuck they call it nowadays.

Did anybody else actually download the FATAL theme? It's sounds exactly as they describe it here. The lyrics are just pathetic, but it's the actual sound that makes it hilarious...

Post by **The Yosemite Bear** » 2003-07-17 04:41am

I wouldn't nessaryally call it Ray Cav's game anymore, he'
s showing signs of finally growing the fuck up..

of Course he's now employed, and gettign to know women at WORK...

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-07-17 02:26pm

The people who made that game should get the shit beaten out of them and then be raped to death by big sweaty sex offenders.

Utsanomiko · Post by **Utsanomiko** » 2003-07-17 03:05pm

Spanky The Dolphin wrote:
Maybe there's some subculture that's into this; judging from the FATAL theme song, which sounds like the Cookie Monster chasing a drum kit being pushed down a flight of stairs, I'd guess thrash metal or speed metal or metal metal or whatever the fuck they call it nowadays.
Did anybody else actually download the FATAL theme? It's sounds exactly as they describe it here. The lyrics are just pathetic, but it's the actual sound that makes it hilarious...

I was in tears listening to it. The second I heard that kid's voice, I blurted out "coooookie!!" and started laughing hysterically.

I started picturing part of the lyrics to that pathetically rushed, monotone, beatless song as "C is for cookie, thay's good enough for me", right after all the lines about nailing things to doors or whatever.

...I never knew people listened to death metal in the middle ages, but if Hall says it's all accurate...

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

World's worst RPG

World's worst RPG

WORSHIP AZATOTH!

Re: WORSHIP AZATOTH!

Re: World's worst RPG