Let's play: SCRAMming up!

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY cannot believe his LUCK.

SUAVE PLAYBOY mistakenly believes he is now SUPER COOL.

SUAVE PLAYBOY will save shotgun ammo for the RETURN TRIP and attempts to REWIRE the MISSILES in the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE using some THINGS HE FOUND.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Spoiler

Wait, how are we suddenly floating around the cabin? I'd swear I was strapped in a moment ago!

HEADBUTT ZIXINUS in the FACE. VERY HARD. SCRAMBLE BACK to PILOT'S SEAT. MAKE SURE I am ACTUALLY STRAPPED IN THIS TIME.

[Zixinus]

IGNORE PAIN DUE TO DRUG-INDUCED STATE. QUICKLY get back to TRYING TO THROTTLE/WRESTLE ETERNAL FREEDOM and STOPPING him from KILLING US ALL (again!) by making a BURN while we are still OVERHEATING. SLAP ETERNAL FREEDOM on BOTH EARS using the SEAT as a BRACE.

NOTICE AIR LEAK ALARM. NOTICE that HATCHES and AIRLOCK DOORS are CLOSED.

STOP TRYING to THROTTLE ETERNAL and TRY to FACE DILEMMA: CONTINUE to throttle Eternal Freedom or CHECK air leak to fight robot.

Decide to TRY and GET ETERNAL FREEDOM to FIGHT the ROBOT with you.
If PERSUASION CHECK fails, try OPEN NOSECOSE, DEPRESSURIZE AIRLOCK, OPEN OUTER DOORS and HOPE that the ROBOT will climb in, so I can use some air to blow it into space.
Spoiler

Eternal Freedom

I probably undid your straps while I was trying to throttle you.
I actually wish I was helpful in this situation, but hey, I got to suck up my mistakes: I drank alcohol with amphetamines, now I must deal with HYPER BATTLE RAGE (or at least what I understand its effects to be).

Oh, and I'm still confused: why force trying to make a burn if it were to kill us? Or are you counting on me stopping you.

Darkevillem

Oh, and I guess I should have told Playboy that you have to brace against recoil in freefall.

[Eternal_Freedom]

Spoiler

The sooner we get within the Russian perimeter the sooner they can shoot down the spaceplane that's trying to kill us.

[Shroom Man 777]

POOP OUT the FOLDABLE AXE and EXIT the UNAPPROVED SPACE PLANE to BEGIN GREAT DUEL with SUAVE PLAYBOY

SCREAM: "FOR VALHALLA! LET THIS BE OUR FINAL BATTLE! "

[Eternal_Freedom]

Spoiler

I'm liking the Klingon tendencies Shroomy is displaying. Jumping at someone armed with a shotgun, armed with an axe you literally pulled out of your ass. good work!

[Scottish Ninja]

Emanate COLD RUSSIAN DEMEANOR to COOL DOWN the SPACEPLANE.

Continue SCREAMING OBSCENITIES at the AIRSPACE TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS. TELL them that if they don't give us LANDING CLEARANCE right away SAINT PUTIN HIMSELF will come to STRANGLE THEM, and then the GRU will MURDER THEIR FAMILIES.

[Shroom Man 777]

INITIATE the BATTLE by HURLING a PIECE of SPACE POOP with UNERRING ACCURACY INTO the BARREL of SUAVE PLAYBOY'S SHOTGUN thus DISABLING IT

SHRIEK "KAPLAH!" and BEGIN MAN ON MAN COMBAT

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY begins incoherent constant loud SCREAMING as he manages to avoid the initial attack and begins a fight inside the UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE's PAYLOAD BAY.

SUAVE PLAYBOY parries AXE with SHOTGUN BARREL and attempts to STAB the INSANE ASSAILANT using a SCREWDRIVER repeatedly to make him BACKOFF.

If it works SUAVE PLAYBOY attempts to DETACH a SPACEWINDER and INITIATE IT at the INSANE ASSAILANT.

[FaxModem1]

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY looks for AIRLOCK CONTROLS and COOLANT SYSTEMS to try and work the problem if he can. He also wants to now why it says

'SIMULATION RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED'

WCDG says 'There is no spoon.'

[Shroom Man 777]

WIELDS a FROZEN POOPSICKLE as KNIFE and SLASHES at SUAVE PLAYBOY with ONE HAND

OTHER HAND starts FLAILING the AXE INSANELY and REPEATEDLY HITS the SPACE SIDEWINDER'S NOSE

[PeZook]

Code: Select all

***WARNING***

***WARNING***

SELF DIAGNOSTIC SYSTEMS INITIATED

CRTICIAL SIMULATION STATE ERROR 

REALITY PARSING THREATENED

VARIABLE CT_ORBITS_TO_ASS_SAFE REVERSED.

EARTH ROTATES THE OTHER WAY AROUND, DUMBASS

ATTEMPTING RETROACTIVE CORRECTIVE FUNCTION

REWRITING ESTIMATE

CHAPTER 2: PROBES ON A SPACEPLANE

January 22nd 2025
Wednesday
Wheels Up + 01:03:20

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: ZIXINUS, ETERNAL FREEDOM, IVAN IVANOV, WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY, BITCHING BETTY, ROBOTIC PROBE and PHANT

You are on a SPACEPLANE. The SPACEPLANE is FLYING really FAST. It is PILOTED by ETERNAL FREEDOM and ZIXINUS. It is rather CRAMPED. The CONTROLS are CONFIGURED in METRIC UNITS. There is no SCRAM FUEL. There is 40% of MAIN ENGINE FUEL. There is plenty of HYDRAZINE for the APU. There is a HOMICIDAL ROBOTIC PROBE in the ARILOCK. The SYSTEMS COOLANT is no longer GETTING ay HOTTER. The AIR inside the CABIN is.

There is a DISTURBANCE in the FORCE. ETERNAL FREEDOM suddenly REALIZES you are NOT a mere THREE ORBITS away from your DESTINATION, because the EARTH ROTATES the OTHER WAY. You DUMBASS.

You have NO IDEA where that CAME FROM.

You are SIXTEEN ORBITS from your REENTRY WINDOW, which TRANSLATES to roughly 20 HOURS. You CERTAINLY won't be ABLE to ENTER the RUSSIAN SPACE DEFENCE PERIMETER with a MERE twenty second BURN.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!

ETERNAL FREEDOM cannot RUMINATE on this SUDDEN ENLIGHTEMENT because he is being SPACE WRESTLED by ZIXINUS, who had SOMEHOW managed to DETACH ETERNAL FREEDOM'S STRAP ON.

Err I MEAN his SEAT BELTS.

ZIXINUS and ETERNAL FREEDOm FLY through the BARF CLOUD. It is VERY NASTY. The BARF DISPERSES into small DROPLETS which CLING to EVERYONE in the CABIN.

ETERNAL FREEDOM manages to HEADBUTT ZIXINUS. They BOTH begin to ROTATE QUICKLY due to that MOTHERFUCKER ISAAC NEWTON. The BASTARD.

ZIXINUS is SNAPPED to ATTENTION when he SLAMS into the WALL. It is VERY PAINFUL. He REALIZES what BITCHING BETTY is SAYING.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!

ZIXINUS helpfully POINTS OUT there is a ROBOT which is TRYING to KILL YOU. Suddenly the AIRLOCK begins to CYCLE. ZIXINUS seems to be getting SANER.

IVAN IVANOV is THREATENING some PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS with HORRIBLE DEATH. He is ABLE to SECURE a LANDING PERMISSION at an AIRBASE near MOSCOW. He ATTEMPTS to COOL the SPACEPLANE, but that FUCKER NEWTON intervenes AGAIN with his LAWS of THERMODYNAMICS.

BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Coolant temperature!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Warning! Atmosphere leak!
BITCHING BETTY Says: Airlock pressurizing.

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY Mutters: There is no spoon.

SIMULATION FROZEN
SCENARIO EDITOR OPEN
ONE ADJUSTMENT AVAILABLE

What do you do? _

***

Wheels Up + 01:03:20

SIMULATION ENGINE RUNNING
TIMEFLOW INTERRUPTED

You are now: RI'ANN SHAPP, FILIPINO JANITOR, SUAVE PLAYBOY and LARGE IRRITABLE DOG.

You are on an UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is FREE of its ROCKET BOOSTER. The UNAPPROVED SPACEPLANE is VERY CRAMPED. It is DEPRESSURIZING. You are STRAPPED into your SEATS. The CONTROLS are in DANGER of being IRREPAIRABLY DAMAGED. There is a SMELL of POOP. It is no longer FAINT. The is a LOT of VOMIT and POOP in the AIR. It is SPLASHING all OVER the INSTRUMENTS and HELMETS. There are two PEOPLE in the PAYLOAD BAY. They are FIGHTING.

The SUAVE PLAYBOY had been STRUCK with a TURD. It has DISABLED his SHOTGUN. He is under ATTACK by an INSANE FILIPINO wielding a FOLDING AXE.

SUAVE PLAYBOY manages to JAB the INSANE FILIPINO with his MULTITOOL. It cracks the INSANE FILIPINO'S HELMET. The CRACK begins to VENTILLATE and DRAGS a FLOATING TURD towards it, making it IMPOSSIBLE to SEE. INSANE FILIPINO flies BACKWARDS because of FUCKER NEWTON.

The SUAVE PLAYBOY FLIES backwards as well THANKS to that FUCKER NEWTON, but GRABS a SPACEWINDER. SUAVE PLAYBOY manages to OPEN a SPACEWINDER but finds no WAY to INITIATE the MISSILE. He LOOKS with TREPIDATION as the INSANE FILIPINO WHACKS the MISSILE with the AXE. The MISSILE begins to VENT its HYPERGOLIC PROPELLANT. It LOOKS like it is ABOUT to IGNITE.

What do you do? _

[Zixinus]

Spoiler

Blocking the barrel of the shotgun won't work, at is won't perfectly seal and is unlikely to properly be lodged in. A blast would likely to work fine, if not, then hurl the poo out.

[PeZook]

Spoiler

Duh. He a SUAVE PLAYBOY, not SUAVE ACTION HERO, so he probably wont KNOW that

And fuck yeah it was supposed to read "it MIGHT have DISABLED his SHOTGUN".

Fucking G&C doesn't allow me to edit it in now, though...

[Zixinus]

Spoiler

Can't you contact a forum-specific mod to do so? I am sure that Shep would oblige to do some minor corrections.[/OOC]

[Eternal_Freedom]

ONE ADJUSTMENT AVAILABLE?

MOVE US TO A FUCKING REENTRY WINDOW. OR the RUSSIAN DEFENCE PERIMETER.

WHICHEVER IS CLOSER.

[PeZook]

*INPUT ERROR*

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY's screaming becomes SHRILLER as he has SHIT smeared on his SPACESUIT and he attempts to TOSS the SPACEWINDER at the INSANE ASSAILANT so as to knock him fully out of the PAYLOAD BAY. This will also stop it EXPLODING in his HANDS by putting it in SOMEONE ELSES.

[Zixinus]

SHRIEK BATTLE CRIES AND GRAB AR-15 AND IVAN IVANOF TO START HELPING US WITH THIS IMMEDIATE CRISIS.

[Eternal_Freedom]

DON'T grab IVAN, He's getting us LANDING CLEARANCE. I THINK. GRAB PHANT instead.
Spoiler

[hysterical scream]Whaddya mean INPUT ERROR? EXPLAIN!![/hysterical scream]

EDIT: AND FOR GOD'S SAKE LEAVE THE BLOODY SAFETY ON WHILE INSIDE!

[PeZook]

Code: Select all

*INPUT ERROR*

/help

Input desired variable into window. Click "Apply" to institute changes. Click "Refresh" to bring up parameters adjusted for the current time.

Clock "Done" once finished.

Adjustments remaining: 1

[FaxModem1]

"I think we have to specify our coordinates. Like say, make us magically appear in Red Square for instance."

WHITE CHINESE DELIVERY GUY tries to SEAL AIRLOCK and FIX COOLANT and ATMOSPHERE PROBLEM.

[Scottish Ninja]

Determine COORDINATES for an APPROACH PATH to STAR CITY with a SLIDE RULE and GREASE PENCIL.

[MKSheppard]

NOTICE THAT COOLANT TEMPERATURES ARE REACHING HIGH LEVELS IN UNAUTHORIZED SPACEPLANE.

SINCE THE PAYLOAD/MISSILE BAY DOORS ARE ALREADY OPEN, I PUSH THE 'DEPLOY RADIATOR' BUTTON. SLOWLY, THE UNAUTH. SPACEPLANE'S RADIATOR'S BEGIN TO DEPLOY.

AS THEY DO SO, THEY KNOCK THE FILIPINO JANITOR AND THE SUAVE PLAYBOY OUT OF THE PAYLOAD BAY. THE SUAVE PLAYBOY SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL, AND GRABS THE NEAREST THING POSSIBLE, WHICH TURNS OUT TO BE THE MISSILE HE WAS FUCKING WITH.

HE SPINS OFF INTO SPACE, CLUTCHING THE MISSILE AND SURROUNDED IN A CLOUD OF CORROSIVE HYPERGOLIC PROPELLANT FROM THE MISSILE, WHICH BEGINS TO EAT AWAY AT HIS SPACE SUIT SLOWLY.

OOC Spoiler

Yes, I have played orbiter and the ravenstar stuff before -- which is how I know how to fly this bitch

[Darkevilme]

SUAVE PLAYBOY is not as stupid as Sheppard asserts and will not grab ahold of UNSTABLE ORDINANCE for LOVE nor MONEY. SUAVE PLAYBOY tossed said ORDINANCE at INSANE ASSAILANT anyway.

SUAVE PLAYBOY fires TURDSHOTGUN at UNAUTHORIZED SPACEPLANE's deployed RADIATOR out of RAGE and will then attempt to use the SHOTGUN to get back to TEAM LAME with remaining AMMUNITION.