you are made minister of the middle east

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Enforcer Talen
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you are made minister of the middle east

Post by Enforcer Talen » 2003-06-13 03:05am

you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
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Post by weemadando » 2003-06-13 03:17am

Unlimited manpower and cash?

Well, lets see - first off I draw the fucking line in the sand.

Everyone pulls their troops back into their UN recognised territories within 72 hours WITHOUT INCIDENT or any forces remaining in place cop a whupping. This is followed up by the creation of 5km "border zones" around every nation that must have no military presence. Any military presence in the areas will be destroyed. Any bitching by any nation about this process will be addressed to my big hairy arse.

I then take the leader of each nation to a fucking horrible, squalid, disease ridden shithole for as long as it takes for everyone to agree on a new policy (which shouldn't take long as leaders don't like that kind of place). This policy then will get the big shiny seal of approval from the UN with any luck (it shouldn't need it as it is an agreement between sovereign nations, but it might help) and its then implemented.

After this a full military demobilisation of the area will be conducted, with only internal security/police forces allowed to operate. International Peace Keeping forces will be responsible for dealing with international problems such as cross-border raids/bombings. At this point I take my own private army which is under my exclusive control, and secure the Middle East, raise my own flag and set myself up as "El Presidente" with far too many oilfields. I then proceed to play all sides against the centre and retire to my own pacific island after about 15 years with the worlds largest private bank-account.

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Post by 0.1 » 2003-06-13 03:40am

Send in the heavy bombers, napalm the entire place except the vital econmic areas, and then send in the trucks loaded and the body bags.

Now...

Listen to that... can you hear it? yep, I can't either, it's actually nice and quiet now.

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Post by weemadando » 2003-06-13 03:59am

0.1 wrote:Send in the heavy bombers, napalm the entire place except the vital econmic areas, and then send in the trucks loaded and the body bags.

Now...

Listen to that... can you hear it? yep, I can't either, it's actually nice and quiet now.
One problem, the vital economic areas tend to be the ones that are heavily populated...

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Post by Wicked Pilot » 2003-06-13 10:56am

I'd first start by stripping all dictators and royal families of their titles and power and turn over the nations to their people. I would then tell all the religious leaders to shut the fuck up or they will find out very shortly whether or not Allah exist. I would then go over to Israel and tell them and the Palestenians that they can either come together under one new democratic and secular government, or I'll split them up myself and they'll just have to live under the new borders I hand out. Then I'll pull out all U.S. and other foreign troops out of the region as they should no longer be needed. Last but not least, I'll tell all the women to take off those damn bed sheets and show some thigh. That should keep the men off the battlefield and back in the strip joints where they belong.

Realistic, of course not. But we can dream can't we.
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Post by Ted C » 2003-06-13 12:13pm

Heck, I already hold the purse-strings of Israel (their the number one recipient of US foreign aid). They'll start doing what I say to achieve peace, or I'll cut them off. Palestine get's the carrot and stick treatment, too.

Israel has to give up it's discriminatory practices. Everyone who's a legitimate landowner can stay where they are, but they have to live with the government, regardless of which side of the border they wind up on. All sides must submit to foreign peace-keeping forces in the short term, and those troops will have the authority to use lethal force if needed to counter terrorist activities by either party.

More intelligence and counter-terrorism activity in unfriendly neighboring countries would also be necessary, and both nations would need internationally monitored elections with any adult who has been living in the area getting an equal vote, regardless of race or religion, in the selection of the government for their side of the border. Both sides will have constitutions that expressly forbid racial and religious descrimination.

If they don't like my terms, they can try to settle their differences without US financial assistance.
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Post by 0.1 » 2003-06-13 02:25pm

One problem, the vital economic areas tend to be the ones that are heavily populated...
That's not completely true, after all, what's vital in the West Bank and Gaza, but you do have a point on the oil fields. Fine, adjust the tactics, use MRBMs with nerve gas payloads for the economically vital areas, continue this for about a week, with repeating strikes every few hours. Kinda hard to eat through a gas mask. Send in the bombers for the rest.

There is more than one way to achieve peace, especially if peace can be defined through the absence of future conflict.

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Post by Sea Skimmer » 2003-06-13 06:01pm

American money and technology, Chinese manpower, Russian commanders.....unleash result on the region.
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Post by Ted » 2003-06-13 06:13pm

Sea Skimmer wrote:American money and technology, Chinese manpower, Russian commanders.....unleash result on the region.
Thats just cruel. :P
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Post by Sea Skimmer » 2003-06-13 07:38pm

Ted wrote: Thats just cruel. :P

So? :?
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Post by Coyote » 2003-06-14 03:26am

Israel and Palestine: something close to the 1967 borders. No Settlements for Israel, but no refugees taking over Israel either. Give the refugees a fuckload of cash to settle peacefully on the Palestine side of the border.

If Syria pulls its troops out of Lebanon, we'll talk about the Golan Heights. But if they want to keep Lebanon, they have to give up the Golan. Choice is theirs.

Hezbollah, Hamas, and the Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, as well as the Takfir-al-Hijra, are rounded up and imprisoned for good. Wahhabism is outlawed as is the Burqua or Chador. Captured terrorists get to spend their time developing oil fields for Russia in Siberia.
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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by The Duchess of Zeon » 2003-06-14 04:34am

Enforcer Talen wrote:you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
I blow up Riyadh and Tel Aviv with atomic weaponry.

Then I inform the (surviving) leaders of Israel and the Arab world that they will meet at a peace conference in Rome, where they will accept my proposals for the region.

Refusal to do so will result in the destruction of Jerusalem and Mecca.

They'll cooperate.

Note: Since I was appointed "minister" of the Mid-East I assume it was for some organization with a greater power than several dozen nation-states, and also has a firepower comparable at least to the whole world. Hence, my goal was to effectually bring the Mid-East under the control of whatever that organization was as quickly as possible by demonstrating our superiourity of force and willingness to use it; without, however, annihilating anything of particular religious importance, so that the natives can feel in the offered arrangement of governance that they have fully preserved their superstitions and retained a measure of power. I want to avoid the fiasco that happened when the Draka nuked Mecca in one fanfiction I read; so we'll have some escalation latitude.

*innocent look*
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Post by Enforcer Talen » 2003-06-14 05:12am

Im assuming a one world order which wants the war all over already.

duchess, you worry me.
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Post by Rye » 2003-06-14 09:53am

Well first i comission a large tank that utilises vorlon technology.

Then i get the israeli to put on a poorly made shadow-outfit. Then we et the leader of palestine to put a spraypainted toilet seat round his neck.

Then i say to them both "you keep trying to make us choose. But what if the correct choice is to NOT choose?"

then my girlfriend comes out in some robes and says "You always ask us "what do you want" and you ask "who are you?" well what do YOU want, who are YOU? You don't know do you?

me again "You're as much trapped in this cycle as we are. But we're making a stand, no more, from now on, we'll find our own way! Now get the hell out of our middle-east!"

-mass exodus of jews, christians and muslims from holy lands-

"the middle east looks so much smaller now..."

i then own the holy lands and turn it into a theme park, get rich from the oil and park.

world lives happily ever after.
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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by Next of Kin » 2003-06-14 10:15am

Enforcer Talen wrote:you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
For every 1 cent increase in the price of gasoline an ICBM shall be launched to an undisclosed location in the Midde East.

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Post by The Duchess of Zeon » 2003-06-14 10:34am

Enforcer Talen wrote:Im assuming a one world order which wants the war all over already.

duchess, you worry me.
It could work, and has the advantage of being very fast. A one-world order is hardly something plausible enough to make this much more than a sci-fi discussion, so the path of least resistance was duly considered. If it fails, of course, then you have to clean house--but if you're imposing government on the region you were probably going to have to do that anyway when the inevitable rebellions broke out after you had secured it.
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Post by Andrew J. » 2003-06-14 10:49am

Initiate a forced cross-breeding program. In a few generations every single person in the Middle East is part Arab, part Israeli, part Persian, part Bedouin, etc. Give them education, taking particular care to expose them to Locke and the Enlightenment thinkers, make the whole place a giant, federal republic, cross my fingers and hope for the best.

And Duchess, you're plan is just silly. No one calls them "atomic" weapons anymore. :P
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Post by The Duchess of Zeon » 2003-06-14 12:19pm

Andrew J. wrote:
And Duchess, you're plan is just silly. No one calls them "atomic" weapons anymore. :P
It brought to mind Dune. "They've broken every civilized code of conduct in the universe! We have no choice--we'll level those intransigents with atomics!"
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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by phongn » 2003-06-14 12:48pm

Next of Kin wrote:
Enforcer Talen wrote:you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
For every 1 cent increase in the price of gasoline an ICBM shall be launched to an undisclosed location in the Midde East.
Wouldn't that cause gas to continue increasing in price, thus causing you to launch hordes of nuclear missiles?
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Post by Cosmic Average » 2003-06-14 12:59pm

Introduce chemicals into the water supply that cause sterility.

Continuously do this for four generations. Problem solved.

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Post by Vympel » 2003-06-14 01:08pm

Involuntary copulatory program of racial deconstruction.
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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by Sea Skimmer » 2003-06-14 01:24pm

phongn wrote:Wouldn't that cause gas to continue increasing in price, thus causing you to launch hordes of nuclear missiles?
Logic need not govern the price of fuel
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Post by Solauren » 2003-06-14 01:39pm

actually, as far as the Middle East is concerned, the current "Road Map to peace" will work, IF Israel and the Palestenians do the following

1)- Israel has to stop trying to blow up the Humas
2)- The Palestenians have to START trying to blow up the Humas
3)- Israel has to be willing to arrest and/or execute Israeli's that refuse to move. After leveling the 3rd settlement, with heavy force, they should get the point
4)- A International peacekeeper force numbering in the hundreds of thousands must be sent into the West bank, and be the offical police force.

There orders are as follows
a)- Put the entire area under house arrest. No leaving your house without a military escort of one armed trooper, with orders to kill if you get out of line. If you are out for some reason during the 'arrest crack down' if you don't co-operate, you are shot. This will round up most of the terrorist leaders
b)- Search every single building (a city remains under house arrest into the sweep is done). Anyone found to have explosives or weapons, the inhabitants are under arrest. Resistance = Termination with extreme prejudice of adults and teen males. The rest go into orphanages later
This should finish rounding up most of the extremists, and disarm the populace.

In Israeli settlements, they drive up with 1 big U-haul style truck per house/building, and the settlement has 5 days to disasemble into the trucks to be driven back to Israeli territory. The Israeli government is to have land waiting for these settlements. If not, family are given about 1 years salary, and can emigrate to the nation of there choice that will allow it. They will be re-educated there. Were they go and are from, etc, are recorded so families can stay in contact

5)- A military force patrols the river. You want to cross it, you are searched 1 miles away from the river, and then there. If you are armed or have explosives, well, that's a criminal offense.

I'd worry about the rest of the region after

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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by Posbi » 2003-06-14 02:31pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
Deport the Palestinians to the Sinai, give them sufficient financial means to settle the land.
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Re: you are made minister of the middle east

Post by jegs2 » 2003-06-14 03:56pm

Enforcer Talen wrote:you have any resources in the world today you need.

how do you bring about peace?
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