ST v SW

[Connor MacLeod]

I actually suspect it may have been funnelled into the research that lead to the production of psychopathic Ewok fighter pilots.

Man I love Allston and the wraith squadron books. Pity the man could not even save Legacy of the Force.

[Shroom Man 777]

Man, such awesomeness is why Star Trek will never be as good as Star Wars. Yub-yub! Yetis! Yodas! Yslmrimininis! Yuuzhan Vongoes!

[Connor MacLeod]

Man you haven't even dredged the full depths of the awesomeness of the Ewok fighter pilot gimmick in those books. It starts out as a fiction that progresses towards reality, and along the way you have things like:

1.) Wedge antilles impersonating Ewok fighter pilot so that the Imperials do not discover he is wedge antilles. This is compelte with a synthesized ewok voice and him having to have a puppet in his lap so that the people can see an actual ewok pilot through the glass canopies. Also brings us 'bleed and die, yub yub.' - best line in a STar wars novel, ever.

2.) Wes Janson chasing a fictional ewok puppet (the same puppet wedge used) around a starshp, naked.

3.) Wes janson using said puppet to cover his privates when the rest of the squadron finds him chasing said puppet.

4.) Ewoks with prosthetic limbs.

[Connor MacLeod]

In fact:

"Emperor's nose, that's an Ewok! They've got an Ewok pilot!"

Wedge thumbed his comlink, still set up with Castin's Ewok-voice
modifications, and said, "Bleed and die, yub, yub,"

Did I mention how much I love Aaron Allston?

[Shroom Man 777]

Man, those prosthetic limbs should be just like Grievous' limbs.

YOU ARE DOOMED YUB YUB!

ACTIVATE RAY SHIELDS YUB YUB!

I bet the Imperials were horrified at the prospect of an Ewok pilot because of their guilty subconsciousness, in knowing the atrocifications they partook in the Endor Holocaust, their nightmares are plagued by scenes of Ewok's enacting revengeance - revenge with a vengeance - on the sins of the past. Yub yubs carving out Imperial sigils on the foreheads of captured stormtroopers. Ewoks scalping people and beating them to death with rocks. Imagine, a Grand Moff waking up and seeing an Ewok, and the Ewok cramming its tiny little furry fist down the Moff's throat. Or burying his face in a pillow before stabbing it repeatedly with a tiny lightsaber.

INGLOURIOUS BEARSTERDS

A deranged Federation Section 31 commander. A unit of Alderaanis and Ewoks. And a debit of one hundred Imperial scalps!

Palpatine and Papa Noidia watching PRIDE OF THE EMPIRE in Empire-occupied Earth. Ewoks coming in and shooting them full of holes. Leia Organa's burning cackling hologram face right there in the theater, THIS IS THE FACE OF ALDERAANI VENGEANCE, while Alderaanis mow down all the Moffs in attendance. Not a trigger guard in sight.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN EMPIRE-OCCUPIED EARTH

[Connor MacLeod]

They were fearful of the Na'vi/Ewok alliance that would sweep out into space and threaten the glorious Human Empire and deny it the precious unobtanium it needs to fuel society and keep Palpatine's bowels regular.

It gets even worse than that. If the Ewoks had found the Na'vi and allied, Zonoma Sekot would have been drawn out of hiding by the sheer awesomeness of Ewok fighter pilots, found Eywa, and glorious planet-sex with it, given over the secret of planet-hyperdrives to Eywa, and given birth to hordes of organically created, living starships that are all painted blue. Along with the grand alliance of flying space dragons and Gem shitting space Mantas they would have brought the human Space America Empire to its knees and introduced socialism.

And then Eywa and Sekot would have set off for the Unknown Regions, to solve mysteries. And the only person who could beat them would be Unicron.

This is why we must not allow a prosthetic gap in the great American-Ewok war to come.

[Shroom Man 777]

Blue Yuuzhan Vongs!

Oh my god, Connor. What if through an act of Q, you woke up as a FLYING SPACE DRAGON in SW vs. ST? RAR!

Eywa and Sekot, together they fight CRIME! Their hellspawn of one million living hyperdrive-capable planets could totally rape human worlds and, like, liquefy their populations and remake them into even MOAR blue people! This is a mechanism to bring hinduistic blue cat people reincarnation cycles to not just Earth, but to the entire universe! Industrialize this, mothermoffers!

Holy shit, imagine the amount of midichlorians in their nutsacks! Eywa and Sekot's children could use Force Choke to crush the Death Star's brain arteries exhaust pipes and make it explode! They can avoid being intercepted by hyperspacing Imperial fleets because of PRECOG! They can deflect galaxy gun FTL rounds with PRECOG! And you thought Flash versus Obi-Wan was terrible awesome. Their midichlorian cells would be as big as AT-ATs!

But man, the mental image of a Stormtrooper patrol on Endor being ambushed by Ewoks led by a deranged Rebel, and the Stormtroopers' sergeant getting clubbed to death by Chewbacca, who uses the severed arm of another Stormtrooper, and the Ewoks proceeding to scalp the shit out of the rest of them, is just awesome. Ewoks smashing Stormtrooper skulls in with styrofoam rocks!

[Connor MacLeod]

Blue Yuuzhan Vongs!

Avatar could have used more furry blue cat sadomasochism, with crustacean armour.

Oh my god, Connor. What if through an act of Q, you woke up as a FLYING SPACE DRAGON in SW vs. ST? RAR!

I assume it's a spherical ball of iron travelling at .99c and calculate the velocity in such a way to give me maximum petatonnage and then work out the mass equivalent in hyperwastematter a starship excretes to accelerate its bulk.

Eywa and Sekot, together they fight CRIME! Their hellspawn of one million living hyperdrive-capable planets could totally rape human worlds and, like, liquefy their populations and remake them into even MOAR blue people! This is a mechanism to bring hinduistic blue cat people reincarnation cycles to not just Earth, but to the entire universe! Industrialize this, mothermoffers!

They can figure out where all the extra biomass the Tyranids consume disappears to. Mystery of the Trandsimensional Sphincters.

But man, the mental image of a Stormtrooper patrol on Endor being ambushed by Ewoks led by a deranged Rebel, and the Stormtroopers' sergeant getting clubbed to death by Chewbacca, who uses the severed arm of another Stormtrooper, and the Ewoks proceeding to scalp the shit out of the rest of them, is just awesome. Ewoks smashing Stormtrooper skulls in with styrofoam rocks!

Pirate Ewoks. The most dreaded pirates in the galaxy. Dread the day that Ewoks learn to fly starships. I have canon visual proof no less:





EWOK GUNNERY

DIALOGUE OVER VISUALS CONCESSION ACCEPTED QED

(Also you wish the Battle of Endor was this awesome. Watching this entire battle makes me like those movies all over again.)

[Shroom Man 777]

That was amazing. It was like the Battle of the Bulge.

[Connor MacLeod]

With ewoks.

And now for my next trick of Star Wars surrealism:

Bea Arthur pours some sort of liquid into some guy's skull. And he's an actual Star Wars alien

Talk about skullfucking.

[Shroom Man 777]

Does he have an EU interesting backstory?

[Connor MacLeod]

Wookieepedia says: Not Much

But his species has a name. They are the Amorphiian and they seem to have a hilariously appropriat ebackground:

the Amorphiians' motor abilities suffered frequent power fluctuations, causing them to speed up, slow down, or gyrate wildly, depending on the nature of a particular malfunction. Amorphiians had the ability to restore normal functionality to a limp or uncooperative body structure by rubbing, pushing, moving, or otherwise stimulating the body part.

Which is what you expect from an alien species with a giant hole in their heads.

Note that it only reinforces the earlier innuendo I alluded to (or was that beat over the head with?)

[Darth Tedious]

Is that battle footage canon?

On a side note: I always thought Ewok suicide bombers were a laugh.

[Shroom Man 777]

Connor:

BZZZT! Wrong!

CONCESSION ACCEPTED

[Connor MacLeod]

Is that battle footage canon?

If George Lucas naming a Star Wars movie character after Conan O'brien is canon, then that probably is. Worse things have entered canon.

THE EVIDENCE

If you don't believe me, start watching at 5:20 and laugh. Apparently the wiki fans actually took that as gospel and it's entered the canon.

[Connor MacLeod]

Connor:

BZZZT! Wrong!

CONCESSION ACCEPTED

Damn. I'm wrong. YET AGAIN!

THE BASIS FOR MY ENTIRE 40K ANALYSIS HAS COME CRUMBLING DOWN BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR PESKY DOG!

*fires relativistic hypermatter yetis at you*

Edit: PS you forgot the cardinal rule of the forum in that VISUALS TRUMP DIALOGUE. Since you only posted dialogue whereas I posted the actual canon videos that makes me 150% more canonically righter than you.

[Darth Tedious]

It wasn't just the wiki fans that took the Conan thing seriously- the guys writing Death Star had to change it at the last minute. They were going to call him Zi Motti.
They even forgot one:

Helaw laughed. "Never a lack of self-confidence in you. Zi."
Motti smiled in return. "You know what they say: Sometimes wrong, but
never in doubt."

Zi must have been his nickname.

[Connor MacLeod]

I think between that and burnout from arguing in favour of the ICS made me vehemently anti-canon. ITS ALL A RELIGION AND ALL HAIL THE RELATIVISTIC JEDI-YETIS.

Edit: Also, the Plastic Soldier in the Executor is Canon

[Shroom Man 777]

The best solution is to go batshit nuts and refer to yourself in the third person.

[Connor MacLeod]

The best solution is to go batshit nuts and refer to yourself in the third person.

That would make my opinions on 40K even more canonical, but I think Giant Executor Soldier would not approve.

[Darth Tedious]

But there was that Executor buried under Coruscant.
With a soldier buried inside.
We have to go deeper.

Did he have a watch in his arse?

[Shroom Man 777]

It would be awesome if that was some kind of escape vehicle that was, in actuality, a giant robot. It could totally flip out and punch X-Wings and dropkick the Millennium Falcon.

[Connor MacLeod]

I havne't properly pixel-scaled that soldier, but I anticipate by sheer eyeball he's at least as big or bigger tan a Titan. And the obvious sophisticaiton of the design proves that the Empire's bipedal mecha technology is vastly superior to the Imperium's.

I also expect that the Giant Executor Soldier is 35.6% pure neutronium and shoots 6.7 gigaton turbolaser bolts out of his eyes. Per pupil. His ass is a giant neutrino radiator that also provides recoil compensation for the sheer gigatonnage his eyes shoot out.

[Shroom Man 777]

The neutrino radiator could be in the shape, form and likeness of an afro. And, like, this Giant Executor Soldier was totally designed as a response to the devastating Imperial campaign at Hothlingrad when troopers were beset by the Rebels' secret weapon Yeti horde. So that such a horrible atrocity will never again, Kuati Drive Yards designed the Giant Executor Soldier so if the Rebels ever unleash Yetis at their greatest warship, the Giant Executor Soldier will be there to kill all these Yetis in a motherfucking knife fight in space.

[Darth Tedious]

I also expect that the Giant Executor Soldier is 35.6% pure neutronium and shoots 6.7 gigaton turbolaser bolts out of his eyes. Per pupil. His ass is a giant neutrino radiator that also provides recoil compensation for the sheer gigatonnage his eyes shoot out.

Those seem like fair assumptions.